nursing my nut-free mars bar.

just another night off from work, munching on a mars bar (which frustrated me because i thought mars bars had nuts in them), loitering on the world wide web and eavesdropping on the tv from the other room. a news report was on and it was discussing which college courses should be avoided by highschool seniors. it wasn't shocking to hear that nursing was on top of the list, what with 400,000+ graduates unemployed in hospitals. i mean really. it's normal to expect that 50% of the people on the bus are nursing graduates. the country is practically overflowing with them and we are multiplying exponentially.

well anyway, towards the end of the report, the advice given was this: for students to pick a course that is in line with his/her capabilities and his/her ambitions and more importantly, a course that would give them a job. i did that, 6 years ago. i chose a course that i thought would give me a job. tada! i ended up in nursing. well i do have a job, i'm an ICU nurse in one of the biggest hospitals in the country but that's more because i graduated from the country's premier state university. but the point is not the destination, it's the journey. and throughout my journey in nursing i was miserable (except for the friends part. they were all lovely.) i wasn't happy with the course and i knew then that it was a wrong decision.

whatever happened to those days when people just chose courses based on their interests, based on their capabilities? fine arts would give you a hard time in looking for a decent, stable job but if you're happy with art, then why the hell not? if you're really passionate about something and if what you do makes you happy, it wouldn't stop you from looking for that perfect job. i think it beats being in a decent, stable job where you are miserable every day of your life. money can only get you so far.

look who's talking? hahaha. i'm the frustrated artist working in the intensive care unit keeping GCS3 patients alive. but i'm also the frustrated artist who has not given up.

delicious ambiguity.

brothers.

i've never been away from my brothers for too long. we've always been together, we stick together wherever. but they had to move into dormitories by highschool so we only saw each other during weekends and summer vacations. when we got into college and all of us lived in separate dormitories, we saw each other less but my parents made sure we still spent enough time with each other. we sang songs together on road trips, we watched tv together, we joked and laughed with each other, we share serious conversations too. we were basically friends.

this afternoon, my brother left for france. i couldn't stop myself from crying. i hate being away from my brothers. when my younger brother left for singapore, i cried myself to sleep. i've never been away from my brothers. i hate goodbyes, i hate that i'm always left behind, i hate the fact that we have to grow up and away from each other.

i hope two years will pass by in the blink of an eye.

delicious ambiguity.

how long is 2 years?

wow i've been gone a long time. i've read more books than i'd like to admit since my last post and a lot has happened too since then. if there was a blogger attendance score, i'd get a big, fat F.

but now I'm blogging because I'm sort of sad. my brother leaves for France tomorrow afternoon and i was wondering how long 2 years will be. i'm worried and excited for him at the same time, and i'm sad and proud for my whole family. i've always been super proud of my brothers. from the very beginning i knew they were meant to conquer the whole world. but i'm sad. goodbyes have always been hard. no number of goodbyes will ever make me numb against them. i'd like to believe that 2 years will fly by like no time at all, but i can only fool myself so much.

i look into my brothers' futures and i see it crystal clear. but when i look into mine, a huge thunderstorm prevents me from seeing clearly. maybe that's how it's supposed to be with your own future. maybe you're not supposed to know until you get there yourself. but sometimes i wish for a clue. sometimes i need a sign to let me know that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm going the right way, that i'm making the right decisions. it's not easy walking blindly into the future.

i pray for everything to turn out alright. but ultimately, i pray for my brother's happiness. that's all i've always wished for for my whole family. most people take it for granted but i know that happiness in this life is what counts the most.

delicious ambiguity.

book reviews and color

i finally got myself one kick-ass pencil sharpener and i sharpened my prismacolor pencils once and for all. but then i took another detour and my colored faces project was delayed for another few weeks at least. that detour is called the bookstore and i just kept buying book after book after book. reading has always been an important part of my life. mind feed always feels good to me. and once i pop, i can't stop.

last week i bought three books. i read before work, immediately after work and i made sure i compromised my sleep to finish each book. first one i read was "my name is memory" by ann brashares. it wasn't a bestseller but i was curious. love stories always make me curious. must be because i never had a decent one of own. but anyway, it tells the story of soulmates. i've always wondered how soulmates come to be and if they really aren't meant to be together in the end. the book says yes, they're not meant to end up together in the end and that's just tragic. what's even more tragic was how the book ended. WORST ENDING EVER. that's one book i'm keeping at the bottom of my book trunk.

i immediately headed to the bookstore once i finished brashares. i did not want to lose my faith in the writing industry. (LOL) so i picked this up:

"thirteen reasons why" by jay asher. it's a story about a girl who committed suicide and about the tapes she made pointing out the thirteen people who pushed her over the edge. it's a tragic story, but not far from reality at all. i'm pretty sure a lot of people experience discrimination and stereotyping everyday of their lives. if everyone could read this book, maybe, just maybe, those injustices can be stopped. we can save someone everyday, that's what this book taught me. it doesn't hurt to be good to someone. we'll never know what sort of battles each of us is fighting but we can trust the fact that we do have our own battles. so yes, i recommend this.

next thing i bought was "room" by emma donoghue. i've had my eye on this book for the longest time but i didn't buy it the first time because i was spending on my drawing materials then. the next time i went looking for it, it was out of stock. so when i finally found a copy in the bookstore, i bought it without hesitation.

it was difficult to read in the beginning because a child is the narrator of the story. grammatical errors make my head ache so i needed breaks every now and then. but i got attached to the kid eventually. and it's hard not to be. the kid has lived in a room for five years and all the while he thought that's all there is: his room. eventually he managed to escape and he was able to set both himself and his mother free. but it was such a great struggle for him to be outside in the real world and i found myself empathizing with him a lot of times. there was one time where he said something like "I've been out here in the real world for two weeks and I still don't know what could hurt me" and that just completely broke my heart. i've been out here for 23 years, kid. i know how you feel. this is one of the BEST books around. even after finishing the book, i still find myself thinking about the story, remembering Jack's favorite lines. i think this is one of those few books i can read over and over again and still get the same feeling every single time. great story, it definitely moved me.

so i recently realized that all i've been doing was buy books and spend all my waking hours reading them. i don't really mind but i look at my sketchpad that's accumulating dust and i think i've been very unfair to my hands. so i put down my latest book ("How to walk in high heels") and set down to spend time with my hands.

ack. it was a disaster. i didn't think it would be THIS hard. i've been using colored pencils ever since i learned how to distinguish the primary colors and now it feels like i'm using them for the first time. it's hard to come up with the right shade of skin, the right amount of shadows, the right amount of smudge. and i couldn't put my kneaded eraser to good use because it can't erase color like it does on pencil. and it's my first time not using grids (hi master! LOL) and i think i kinda messed up her facial structure a bit. well anyway, i'm not giving up. this is just a trial period. i don't think i've officially started my colored project yet. more practice for me. :)

delicious ambiguity.

one serious sketcharoo post (for once)

i finally mustered enough courage and self-confidence to finish this project that i started eons ago. i'm not completely happy with the result, i could have chosen a picture with a full face, i could have chosen a black and white photo from the internet but i didn't. maybe the desire to complete the project was greater than the desire to actually improve my craft. but that's just terrible, louie. you suck.

but is there a way to justify this? don't we all have those moments, when the need for satisfaction comes in the form of a completed project instead of knowing that you improved in your craft because no one gives a damn anyway? the feeling of satisfaction is greatly magnified when there is an audience to appreciate what you've done. no one goes around shouting "i'm better at this!" because that would make you a retard. a retard who's too full of himself. oh but wait. people do that these days. bummer. sometimes i forget how the times have changed. or maybe, i just like pretending the times haven't changed so much. there is always that ache when i think about how things used to be before facebook, twitter and the internet. a lot of times i want to quit all these superficial, temporarily gratifying nonsense but i cannot find enough will power to do so.

i've been reading an old friend's blog posts on tumblr and i can relate to most of what she said. she was an incredible writer back then in high school but now she's stuck in a job she hates. it sucks to be an adult. especially when you're an adult stuck in a job you absolutely hate, a job that's so far from your dreams that not even light years can fill. and then you earn minimum wage. and then there's the daily traffic that can age you in seconds. it's terrible out there. if i could choose, i'd choose to be a kid again.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 25

this is a double-drawing, picture-heavy post. partially because my scanner is working but mostly because the WIPs were taken at 14MP each. i couldn't figure out how to decrease the picture quality on my camera. and i'm too sleepy to discover.

this is my twenty-eighth drawing. did this last june 1, wasn't able to upload the WIPs soon enough. my first drawing after several weeks of hiatus. not too pleased with it, i'm seeing all sorts of wrong on the drawing. but this was the first time i actually drew a ball on the nose and it works! one big ass miracle. the nose almost came to life.

this is my twenty-ninth. jessica biel. i decided to really focus on the face this time. didn't draw much hair or neck, or shoulder. i wanted to really get the facial structure right. i had a hard time trying to figure out how to shade her cheekbones coz they're round. i had to consult anatomical illustrations of the skull and the face by tortora. (he's still my favorite anatomy author) not sure if i did her cheekbones justice. but i like the end result. i figured i could still shade everything a tad darker but i didn't want to destroy the picture. ha, this is me getting attached to the end product again. yikes. (sorry master! :P)

it's 1030pm now and i might just draw another one. the project finale. just to keep me busy. i don't like idle time. makes me dwell on sad thoughts. but art therapy works. works wonders actually.

afterthought:

i can't decide how many drawings i'll do for the next project. i'm thinking 15. or 10. anything above 30 is just too much. how about 5? hahaha. i can't wait to start using my colored pencils! but i still need a kick-ass sharpener.

delicious ambiguity.

my long overdue project and singapore blog

so i'm trying to finish my first-ever personal project and it's taking forever. i'm down to two more drawings and i can't believe i cannot find the motivation to get this over with.

maybe there is more truth to what i said during our stress debriefing session a few weeks ago: that this big ass stressful incident that happened a few months ago drove me back to art and that art is my main form of escape. it's a good thing, no, it's a great thing but the thing is, i can't seem to draw as much now. is it because i'm not stressed enough? LOL. that's disturbing. but this lack of motivation is killing me. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

on a more positive note, my scanner's up and running again! it pays to have engineers for brothers. i will upload scanned versions of my drawings one day.

**

i realized i was not able to blog about my singapore trip. i've been too busy at work. yikes. last time we were in singapore, i was still a kid. that was probably around 1997. i remember i loved the place even then. imagine my shock when i saw what it is now. it's an amazing place. painfully clean and orderly. the discipline is just WOW. i have high respect for the people there. i wish we'd be able to develop the same kind of discipline here someday. but then again, i guess that would change us too much. we wouldn't be the same people.

i wasn't able to maximize the trip. three days was just too short. that and my brother got sick so we couldn't move around too much. but it still was a breath of fresh air. it felt amazing to be away from work for a while. i think i'm going to need more trips in the future. seriously considering taking trips alone.

hahaha. no, this is not my forever alone mode. just a bit maybe, but nah. if there's one thing i learned from my SG trip, that would be harmony with solitude. it's okay to be alone. most of the people in singapore get by on their own (and their iPhones. God, everyone and i do mean EVERYONE owns an iPhone in singapore). they're all independent and i think it contributes a lot to their growth as a country. but everyone's too serious out there. a work day is a work day. serious-business-minded people. if i probably stayed there too long, i'd be changed and all the cheer in my body would be sucked out of me.

but i had fun in singapore. universal studios was amazing. i wish i could have stayed longer. and gah, we missed the great singapore sale! FML.

one day, i'll come back here.

delicious ambiguity.