i love freedom.

i realized that this is what's most important to me right now.

one should never try to contain me because i will burst.
one should never attempt to hold me down because i was not meant to stay on the ground, i was meant to fly.
one should understand that i believe in bigger things, in a bigger purpose and that i want to contribute to these bigger things and purposes.
one should know that i dont want to calm down, that i want to run around in circles until i make it to the top.
one should realize that i am not ready to commit to a comfortable life because i am just beginning to experience the world, and i want to be able to experience, learn and feel as much as i can.

delicious ambiguity.

epiphany

i was taught the value of never giving up, never quitting and thriving til the end. i learned that enduring the things that hurt you will make you a stronger person. for a long time i convinced myself that i can endure and tolerate most things. heck, i survived four years of a college degree i was consciously rejecting. but recently i found out that there are some things that shouldn't be pushed to the limit, some situations that don't have to be endured for so long because i have a choice; because i choose to have options and i should not refuse to walk down another path.

everyone from work kept asking me why i'm leaving. i wanted to explain but i didn't think they'd understand. they wouldn't let me explain anyway. i wanted to tell them that i dont just want to leave, i NEED to leave. i don't want to get comfortable just because i earn a lot. i can't even see the big pay as a consolation for the job i am doing. i have a lot of dreams and i'd rather chase them right now than sit back and wonder about the things that could have been. perhaps i'm looking for adventure, perhaps i'm looking for something more purposeful. at this point, i am at that phase where my ideals and values are more important than everything else. for a few months i had to give them up because the job required me to do so. and that was most painful to me than anything else. it was not the stress or the 11-hour shift, it's the thought that i had to give up these things in exchange for a big fat paycheck. i refuse to believe that everything has monetarial value these days. and i refuse to be bought.

so, i'm leaving. i am aware of the numerous consequences this decision could bring and i am also aware that a lot of people will be affected by this decision. but for once, i just want to stop thinking about everyone else, about what they would think and say. i want to be able to decide for myself because of the consequences it will have on me, above anything else.


delicious ambiguity.

light

i don't feel christmas yet. maybe something happened along the way.

maybe the world forgot that it's almost christmas time.
maybe santa claus forgot to wake up this year.

maybe the world is nursing its own wounded heart, just like i am.

it's really hard to thrive in the world of adults. you try to remain unchanged, but the circumstances, the people, the decisions and the consequences eventually change you. but what's more overpowering is the emotional torture. it's a sad world out there. every smile is fleeting, every laughter shorter than temporary. this isn't the kind of world i wanted to live in. and it's the kind of world there's no escape from.

at least let me stare at the christmas lights. maybe they can light up the darkness in my heart, even just for a while.

delicious ambiguity.

if it kills me.

"..Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me.."
- If It Kills Me, Jason Mraz

love disobeys the common rules of man.

love is always easier done than said. love kills you and seldom makes you stronger. love doesn't make you wiser, pain does. and love makes you wait, and hurt, forever.

delicious ambiguity.

whatever it takes

moving on and starting anew is always, always easier said than done. it takes a long time to heal, it takes an even longer time to find new purpose.

how do you find purpose when the mud-washed walls of your home no longer give you the sense of protection and security it used to? where do you find purpose in an over-crowded evacuation center where all your children breathe in disease and hunger day in, day out? how do you find purpose living on the alms of other people, depending on the values of other people to get you through each day? how do you find purpose when another tragedy is within arm's reach and you're still knee-deep in the mud of tragedy?

you sit there in front of your TV, watching these people starve, fight over relief goods, cry over and over again, plead for help and mercy and you feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to help your fellowmen. you listen to endless stories of loss and pain and you feel the need to ease them of their suffering. but all of their pain is just too immense for you. you're not sure you can make a difference. you think that a lot of people are volunteering each day, that they probably won't need you. so you go back to sitting in front of the TV and allow the emotions to stir your insides but never enough to move you to move lives.

find purpose in the fact that you are still alive, that you can live for those who have died. you cannot bring them back to life but you can live to make their deaths worthwhile. find purpose in the people around you, who are giving their all in this battle of survival because they deserve to live and so do you. find purpose in every new life that is born each day. they may not be the same people you have lost but they will grow to be other people, people who may be able to save the rest of the world if need calls for it. find purpose in the supplies and donations that keep coming. the whole world is helping you to stand up again, but we need you to find the strength to stand on your own.

we need all the help we can get. we would always need another helping hand. don't doubt what you can and can't do. there's always another better thing to do that sit in front of the TV and watch the whole world pass you by.

as a new trial makes it way here, let us hold on tighter to each other. the rains will come, thunder and lightning may cross the sky and it will be very hard for all of us again, but we must all believe in the new dawn that will come.

(picture courtesy of flicker.com)

delicious ambiguity.

do you know what pain is?

(picture courtesy of yahoo.com)

as the murky water finds its way into your mouth, your nose, your being, would you hate the world for your suffering?

as the people around you are dying and you remain safe, would you feel guilty for the life you're still dearly holding on to?

as you pray with all your might, as you muster all of the faith you have kept alive since your conscience was born into being, would you hate God for not saving you this one time you needed Him the most?

as you struggle to find logic, mercy and salvation in suffering and pain, would you find peace in not knowing?

***

i pray for the children whose first sight of the world is that of a world in pain. they deserved to see their mother and father looking down at them with smiling faces: a picture of hope, love and life. but instead they see tears, fear and an imminent death. they did not have enough time to understand the sort of love that brought them here, not enough time to grow up and understand life.

i pray for all those who had to endure the immensity of nature, who had to embrace the whole of nature's rage. they did not know what was coming, everything just washed down upon them, taking away everything that they held dear. it wasn't fair that some had to die while the others lived but the game of survival never had its rules.

i pray for those whose brave hearts and courageous souls saved everyone they could reach, even if it meant risking and offering their own lives. the whole of humanity will forever be indebted to you for you were unselfish during those rare moments when you deserved to be selfish. you are heroes in the highest sense and although you never lived long enough to know how much we value what you have done and how grateful we all are to you, we know that you are right where you belong now: in a place far away, in peace and in the arms of the only bigger Savior than yourself.

i pray for those who are in pain. one who has not experienced the same thing you have can never fathom the pain the you are going through right now but we want you to know that we sympathize with you and that we want to help you in any way we can. i am sorry for the lives you lost, i am sorry for the homes that were destroyed, i am sorry for everything that we can't undo. but i pray that you find the new dawn that awaits you. i pray that you find peace and heal eventually.

i pray for those who don't understand what sort of tragedy we all went through. maybe someday you will learn how real and tangible pain is and i hope that when that time comes, a helping hand will find its way to you. only then would you understand how much pain your insensitive words caused all of us.

i pray for new beginnings and a stronger faith. i pray for deeper love and greater appreciation of life. i pray for tougher bonds and more helping hands. and i pray that we don't give up.



delicious ambiguity.

more than words.

recently, i participated in a game where the players had to write their first impression of you on a sheet of paper taped to your back. i was never really good in making "good" impressions. i've always been shy when i'm around strangers. no talking, no eye contact, minimal interaction. i guess that's because deep inside, i'm terrified of people. human nature has always been such a complicated matter and i'd rather not experiment with it on the first day.

i wasn't surprised when i read the paper. "snob" was a recurring theme and there were other hilarious impressions like "you look like a teacher" . i respect the teaching profession a lot but i'm nowhere near that nobility. there were even shocking ones like "lesbian". my jaw dropped to the ground floor when i read that. my jaw dug six feet down under when i found the same word on a different part of the paper. i have nothing against lesbians and gay people. but i know for a fact that i've always been sure of my sexuality and i've never had a doubt about it. just because i don't talk to guys on the first day doesn't mean i'm a lesbian. don't be so judgmental people. i'm just really scared of people (hehe).

the one sentence that stuck to me (and will stick with me for the rest of my life) was this:

"You are smart and you can defend yourself with words."

once upon a time, i believed in my capability as a writer. i love words. they help me express myself in ways that my tear glands and my facial muscles can't. i've always relied upon words. my words have always been more honest than me. they have always been smarter than me. i knew then that i am nothing without words.

i used to write a lot. i've kept several journals despite the difficulty maintaining discipline in writing a new entry everyday. i tried to keep most of my life preserved in my words. but one day, everything just stopped.

no more journals, no more entries, no more words.



and i've felt hollow eversince.

just like the day i stopped drawing or painting or calculating math problems.



i need to write again. and i will. just as i'll draw, paint and do math again. because i realized i do need to defend myself; no one else can speak for me anymore. i am my own being now.

thank you to the teacher who wrote that life changing impression of me on my back. i promise to make your first impression worth it.



delicious ambiguity.

i can't tell you something that isnt real.

you know you've made a mistake when things change and they never go back to the way they used to be. things become distant and there are more words left unsaid, more moments of silence, more unspoken wishes, more opportunities for lies and pretense.

in the hope to undo the mistakes we have committed, we continue to hope and wait for things to turn back around. we try to convince ourselves and the rest of the world that we can be better persons if only we can be given another chance. but maybe that's just something we believe in, something that was brought to life by faith. but is faith enough?


delicious ambiguity.

athenaeum.

quiet, alone time it is then.


"i hope my absence makes you well."

dark blue.

as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down.


delicious ambiguity.