so why am i not happy?

i don't understand how sadness can consume so much inside you. it's a disease that eats you up inside and you feel every inch, every part of you aching and hollow.

maybe i'm just tired. i hope i'm just tired. but if i am, then why don't i feel better even after i sleep? i feel like i'm changing and i am helpless.

who broke my heart?

delicious ambiguity.

it's only a while.

i'm still trying to figure out whether this is emptiness i'm feeling. i'd like to think that this is just sadness though. i guess i'm just not used to it.

i know that friends are going to drift away, grow apart from each of us sooner or later. no one can stay by our sides forever. we can't cling to the same people for the rest of our life. beginnings and endings are ever present for each of us. but i think we are all entitled to feel this hollow, sad feeling when we are left behind.

just for a while though.

just for a while.

delicious ambiguity.

snippets

my teachers used to read my journal entries in front of the class when i was in grade school and high school. they said i always had the most creative entries and they wanted to encourage the rest of the class to write as i do. i miss english class. i've known for a long time that english was my favorite and best subject. i miss reading and dissecting literature, writing, writing and just writing. i have not been doing any creative writing for a long, long time. i've been so caught up with the flow of the world. which is profoundly sad.

**

steve jobs died today. i consider him one of the most creative minds of our time. and although i only own a piece of his creations, i have a lot to be thankful for. he recreated technology, communication, music and animation like nothing before. i believe that mankind has gone a long way because of his brilliance. too bad cancer had to take him away. all good things (and people) must come to an end after all.

**

yesterday, at work, i suddenly came upon this heavy realization that i am not happy anymore. i looked around my workplace and i realize that sickness, death and grief are not things/feelings i want to associate for a long time. it pains me to realize this over and over again because i know this is not something i can choose to escape easily.

**

we don't always have to take the short cuts in life. i'm on the longest road on the map and i'm taking my time.

delicious ambiguity.

give up the blackhole

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." -Thomas Edison

we're allowed to give up once in a while right? because right now, i think, that's the right thing to do. all this time, all these years, all you've ever done was drain me. you're this big blackhole in my life.

no more. call me weak, but my life can go on without you. i've had enough of being taken for granted.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 29

it's hell out here. the heavy rain won't stop, floodwater keeps building up and more and more people are being evacuated. it's scary. i've been praying since this morning. god help us.

but the rain can't stop me from being productive. so i read up on colored pencils tutorials this afternoon. i said i was going to try another colored drawing today. i practiced all the techniques and i think i got the basics. but i still ended up drawing another B&W. heh. i wanted to try out the techniques using graphite pencils since i never really read up on it before so here we go.

i decided to shade the whole face first. i decided i'd focus on the eyes later. i wanted to finish the left side of the drawing first in order to minimize the mess i'd make on the drawing.

i'm pretty happy with the result. i think i exerted more effort on this drawing compared to the previous ones. note the clean-cut borders. hahaha. hmm makes me think about extending my love affair with B&W.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 28

 thirty-fourth. i wanted to give blonde hair another go, so..

pretty happy with the result. although i know i could've done better. this was one of the toughest i had to do. cheers to better blonde days!

people could change for the better, if they wanted to.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 27

thirty-third. still a color-free drawing. seeing my colored pencils set makes me scared these days. i feel like i don't have the power to wield them.

 2 drawings in 2 days. i must be very, very sad. or stressed. or bored. or all of the above.

 right after i finished this drawing, i learned that i was working the morning shift tomorrow. jeezus, i should be sleeping. goodnight, world. see you tomorrow.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 26

thirty-second.

 recently discovered the gold mine that is harper's bazaar. sooo many good pictures. not to mention BIG.

 last time i drew was two months ago. i really can't trust myself to stick to something so faithfully.

pretty happy with the result, though i'm not quite satisfied with the hair.

but for now, excuse me, i need to dance to "moves like jagger".
delicious ambiguity.

bad day.

it's that feeling again.

the feeling that i don't belong in this particular corner of the world. a misfit. that's how it feels like. the feeling that tells you you ought to be somewhere else, doing something else. it's amazing how a bad day can run me down like this. i try so hard to do good here but i don't know, somehow i still manage to mess things up.

delicious ambiguity.

read to me.

"..they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time."

i found this on tumblr today and i realized how sad it must be to die a second time. which brings me to the point of this blog. i've been thinking a lot about my patients lately and i figured i could be in their place one day (though i hope not.) if i fall into a coma, i hope somebody, anybody would read me stories. books, any good book will do.

stories from the beginning til the end.

read to me when i can't anymore.
live for me when i can't.

delicious ambiguity.

nursing my nut-free mars bar.

just another night off from work, munching on a mars bar (which frustrated me because i thought mars bars had nuts in them), loitering on the world wide web and eavesdropping on the tv from the other room. a news report was on and it was discussing which college courses should be avoided by highschool seniors. it wasn't shocking to hear that nursing was on top of the list, what with 400,000+ graduates unemployed in hospitals. i mean really. it's normal to expect that 50% of the people on the bus are nursing graduates. the country is practically overflowing with them and we are multiplying exponentially.

well anyway, towards the end of the report, the advice given was this: for students to pick a course that is in line with his/her capabilities and his/her ambitions and more importantly, a course that would give them a job. i did that, 6 years ago. i chose a course that i thought would give me a job. tada! i ended up in nursing. well i do have a job, i'm an ICU nurse in one of the biggest hospitals in the country but that's more because i graduated from the country's premier state university. but the point is not the destination, it's the journey. and throughout my journey in nursing i was miserable (except for the friends part. they were all lovely.) i wasn't happy with the course and i knew then that it was a wrong decision.

whatever happened to those days when people just chose courses based on their interests, based on their capabilities? fine arts would give you a hard time in looking for a decent, stable job but if you're happy with art, then why the hell not? if you're really passionate about something and if what you do makes you happy, it wouldn't stop you from looking for that perfect job. i think it beats being in a decent, stable job where you are miserable every day of your life. money can only get you so far.

look who's talking? hahaha. i'm the frustrated artist working in the intensive care unit keeping GCS3 patients alive. but i'm also the frustrated artist who has not given up.

delicious ambiguity.

brothers.

i've never been away from my brothers for too long. we've always been together, we stick together wherever. but they had to move into dormitories by highschool so we only saw each other during weekends and summer vacations. when we got into college and all of us lived in separate dormitories, we saw each other less but my parents made sure we still spent enough time with each other. we sang songs together on road trips, we watched tv together, we joked and laughed with each other, we share serious conversations too. we were basically friends.

this afternoon, my brother left for france. i couldn't stop myself from crying. i hate being away from my brothers. when my younger brother left for singapore, i cried myself to sleep. i've never been away from my brothers. i hate goodbyes, i hate that i'm always left behind, i hate the fact that we have to grow up and away from each other.

i hope two years will pass by in the blink of an eye.

delicious ambiguity.

how long is 2 years?

wow i've been gone a long time. i've read more books than i'd like to admit since my last post and a lot has happened too since then. if there was a blogger attendance score, i'd get a big, fat F.

but now I'm blogging because I'm sort of sad. my brother leaves for France tomorrow afternoon and i was wondering how long 2 years will be. i'm worried and excited for him at the same time, and i'm sad and proud for my whole family. i've always been super proud of my brothers. from the very beginning i knew they were meant to conquer the whole world. but i'm sad. goodbyes have always been hard. no number of goodbyes will ever make me numb against them. i'd like to believe that 2 years will fly by like no time at all, but i can only fool myself so much.

i look into my brothers' futures and i see it crystal clear. but when i look into mine, a huge thunderstorm prevents me from seeing clearly. maybe that's how it's supposed to be with your own future. maybe you're not supposed to know until you get there yourself. but sometimes i wish for a clue. sometimes i need a sign to let me know that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm going the right way, that i'm making the right decisions. it's not easy walking blindly into the future.

i pray for everything to turn out alright. but ultimately, i pray for my brother's happiness. that's all i've always wished for for my whole family. most people take it for granted but i know that happiness in this life is what counts the most.

delicious ambiguity.

book reviews and color

i finally got myself one kick-ass pencil sharpener and i sharpened my prismacolor pencils once and for all. but then i took another detour and my colored faces project was delayed for another few weeks at least. that detour is called the bookstore and i just kept buying book after book after book. reading has always been an important part of my life. mind feed always feels good to me. and once i pop, i can't stop.

last week i bought three books. i read before work, immediately after work and i made sure i compromised my sleep to finish each book. first one i read was "my name is memory" by ann brashares. it wasn't a bestseller but i was curious. love stories always make me curious. must be because i never had a decent one of own. but anyway, it tells the story of soulmates. i've always wondered how soulmates come to be and if they really aren't meant to be together in the end. the book says yes, they're not meant to end up together in the end and that's just tragic. what's even more tragic was how the book ended. WORST ENDING EVER. that's one book i'm keeping at the bottom of my book trunk.

i immediately headed to the bookstore once i finished brashares. i did not want to lose my faith in the writing industry. (LOL) so i picked this up:

"thirteen reasons why" by jay asher. it's a story about a girl who committed suicide and about the tapes she made pointing out the thirteen people who pushed her over the edge. it's a tragic story, but not far from reality at all. i'm pretty sure a lot of people experience discrimination and stereotyping everyday of their lives. if everyone could read this book, maybe, just maybe, those injustices can be stopped. we can save someone everyday, that's what this book taught me. it doesn't hurt to be good to someone. we'll never know what sort of battles each of us is fighting but we can trust the fact that we do have our own battles. so yes, i recommend this.

next thing i bought was "room" by emma donoghue. i've had my eye on this book for the longest time but i didn't buy it the first time because i was spending on my drawing materials then. the next time i went looking for it, it was out of stock. so when i finally found a copy in the bookstore, i bought it without hesitation.

it was difficult to read in the beginning because a child is the narrator of the story. grammatical errors make my head ache so i needed breaks every now and then. but i got attached to the kid eventually. and it's hard not to be. the kid has lived in a room for five years and all the while he thought that's all there is: his room. eventually he managed to escape and he was able to set both himself and his mother free. but it was such a great struggle for him to be outside in the real world and i found myself empathizing with him a lot of times. there was one time where he said something like "I've been out here in the real world for two weeks and I still don't know what could hurt me" and that just completely broke my heart. i've been out here for 23 years, kid. i know how you feel. this is one of the BEST books around. even after finishing the book, i still find myself thinking about the story, remembering Jack's favorite lines. i think this is one of those few books i can read over and over again and still get the same feeling every single time. great story, it definitely moved me.

so i recently realized that all i've been doing was buy books and spend all my waking hours reading them. i don't really mind but i look at my sketchpad that's accumulating dust and i think i've been very unfair to my hands. so i put down my latest book ("How to walk in high heels") and set down to spend time with my hands.

ack. it was a disaster. i didn't think it would be THIS hard. i've been using colored pencils ever since i learned how to distinguish the primary colors and now it feels like i'm using them for the first time. it's hard to come up with the right shade of skin, the right amount of shadows, the right amount of smudge. and i couldn't put my kneaded eraser to good use because it can't erase color like it does on pencil. and it's my first time not using grids (hi master! LOL) and i think i kinda messed up her facial structure a bit. well anyway, i'm not giving up. this is just a trial period. i don't think i've officially started my colored project yet. more practice for me. :)

delicious ambiguity.

one serious sketcharoo post (for once)

i finally mustered enough courage and self-confidence to finish this project that i started eons ago. i'm not completely happy with the result, i could have chosen a picture with a full face, i could have chosen a black and white photo from the internet but i didn't. maybe the desire to complete the project was greater than the desire to actually improve my craft. but that's just terrible, louie. you suck.

but is there a way to justify this? don't we all have those moments, when the need for satisfaction comes in the form of a completed project instead of knowing that you improved in your craft because no one gives a damn anyway? the feeling of satisfaction is greatly magnified when there is an audience to appreciate what you've done. no one goes around shouting "i'm better at this!" because that would make you a retard. a retard who's too full of himself. oh but wait. people do that these days. bummer. sometimes i forget how the times have changed. or maybe, i just like pretending the times haven't changed so much. there is always that ache when i think about how things used to be before facebook, twitter and the internet. a lot of times i want to quit all these superficial, temporarily gratifying nonsense but i cannot find enough will power to do so.

i've been reading an old friend's blog posts on tumblr and i can relate to most of what she said. she was an incredible writer back then in high school but now she's stuck in a job she hates. it sucks to be an adult. especially when you're an adult stuck in a job you absolutely hate, a job that's so far from your dreams that not even light years can fill. and then you earn minimum wage. and then there's the daily traffic that can age you in seconds. it's terrible out there. if i could choose, i'd choose to be a kid again.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 25

this is a double-drawing, picture-heavy post. partially because my scanner is working but mostly because the WIPs were taken at 14MP each. i couldn't figure out how to decrease the picture quality on my camera. and i'm too sleepy to discover.

this is my twenty-eighth drawing. did this last june 1, wasn't able to upload the WIPs soon enough. my first drawing after several weeks of hiatus. not too pleased with it, i'm seeing all sorts of wrong on the drawing. but this was the first time i actually drew a ball on the nose and it works! one big ass miracle. the nose almost came to life.

this is my twenty-ninth. jessica biel. i decided to really focus on the face this time. didn't draw much hair or neck, or shoulder. i wanted to really get the facial structure right. i had a hard time trying to figure out how to shade her cheekbones coz they're round. i had to consult anatomical illustrations of the skull and the face by tortora. (he's still my favorite anatomy author) not sure if i did her cheekbones justice. but i like the end result. i figured i could still shade everything a tad darker but i didn't want to destroy the picture. ha, this is me getting attached to the end product again. yikes. (sorry master! :P)

it's 1030pm now and i might just draw another one. the project finale. just to keep me busy. i don't like idle time. makes me dwell on sad thoughts. but art therapy works. works wonders actually.

afterthought:

i can't decide how many drawings i'll do for the next project. i'm thinking 15. or 10. anything above 30 is just too much. how about 5? hahaha. i can't wait to start using my colored pencils! but i still need a kick-ass sharpener.

delicious ambiguity.

my long overdue project and singapore blog

so i'm trying to finish my first-ever personal project and it's taking forever. i'm down to two more drawings and i can't believe i cannot find the motivation to get this over with.

maybe there is more truth to what i said during our stress debriefing session a few weeks ago: that this big ass stressful incident that happened a few months ago drove me back to art and that art is my main form of escape. it's a good thing, no, it's a great thing but the thing is, i can't seem to draw as much now. is it because i'm not stressed enough? LOL. that's disturbing. but this lack of motivation is killing me. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

on a more positive note, my scanner's up and running again! it pays to have engineers for brothers. i will upload scanned versions of my drawings one day.

**

i realized i was not able to blog about my singapore trip. i've been too busy at work. yikes. last time we were in singapore, i was still a kid. that was probably around 1997. i remember i loved the place even then. imagine my shock when i saw what it is now. it's an amazing place. painfully clean and orderly. the discipline is just WOW. i have high respect for the people there. i wish we'd be able to develop the same kind of discipline here someday. but then again, i guess that would change us too much. we wouldn't be the same people.

i wasn't able to maximize the trip. three days was just too short. that and my brother got sick so we couldn't move around too much. but it still was a breath of fresh air. it felt amazing to be away from work for a while. i think i'm going to need more trips in the future. seriously considering taking trips alone.

hahaha. no, this is not my forever alone mode. just a bit maybe, but nah. if there's one thing i learned from my SG trip, that would be harmony with solitude. it's okay to be alone. most of the people in singapore get by on their own (and their iPhones. God, everyone and i do mean EVERYONE owns an iPhone in singapore). they're all independent and i think it contributes a lot to their growth as a country. but everyone's too serious out there. a work day is a work day. serious-business-minded people. if i probably stayed there too long, i'd be changed and all the cheer in my body would be sucked out of me.

but i had fun in singapore. universal studios was amazing. i wish i could have stayed longer. and gah, we missed the great singapore sale! FML.

one day, i'll come back here.

delicious ambiguity.

three days

"Three days. Three days for the world to turn right side up again."

-Bones

delicious ambiguity.

R & P

not a sketch post, sorry to disappoint. i've been busy lately, so my sketchpad is accumulating dust again. i promise to go back to drawing first thing after the SG trip.

six days left til the trip!! i'm sooo excited. yesterday we went pre-SG shopping and i asked my brother to reserve universal studios tickets. my treat. so i'm definitely poorer at the end of this trip but who cares? it's family. :)

i've been reading as well. just finished reading "something borrowed" by emily giffin. i bought this the other day because i saw the movie trailer in the bookstore. there was something about the story that just got me curious. so i bought it. it was nice, it was a love story. i've been feeling sad lately because i'm feeling super alone again and i figured maybe a love story would do me good. people like to read about other people's love stories when they don't have one of their own. i think it's ridiculous and pathetic, but hey, i'm leading the pack. let me be ridiculous and pathetic til i find someone.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 24

sixteen days. that's how long i've been away from my sketchpad. can't believe i actually traded art for work. people make mistakes, see.

a glamour advertisement. this was my first time to use canson paper and i absolutely love it! the pencils glide easily, and when i use tissue paper to blend, it blends so smoothly. this is the greatest invention ever. next to pizza and chris hemsworth of course.

am not completely happy with the result. i know i could have done a better job. i think i'm in that phase where i'm trying to get into "it" again, if you know what i mean. i lost the right word. bummer.

that and i think i sprained my shoulder muscles. god it hurts.

delicious ambiguity.

sketcharoo 23

a few days off from drawing and it feels like i've lost the little improvement i've worked so hard on. lately, i've been feeling so low, so weak. i haven't had decent sleep; i can only sleep for four hours. i'm on the night shift but usually i get 6 hours of sleep even if i'm on the graveyard shift. bah. this calls for a mega escape: a book.

i tried to draw today because i know i need to. i wasn't "in it", which is probably wrong but i didn't want to be away from drawing too long. i'm scared the skill might ebb away. hahaha silly me, i know. i just don't want to tolerate laziness again i guess. i've wasted so much time before, i didn't want to waste some more.

this is my twenty-sixth. can't believe i'm actually nearing project completion. didn't think i'd make it this far. when i first realized how MANY 30 drawings are, i was stunned. don't know what got into me. of all the numbers, i just had to pick 30. but i'm glad i started this project. it gives me a sense of fulfillment every time i reach a number closer to 30. pretty much like in school, when i finish a piece of homework or a project. i really miss school.

this is rhian ramos. i really like this picture; i love the light, i love the angle, i love the colors. i started with the gigantic bead and pearl necklace she had. i always like starting with details. i need to remind myself to buy a compass. i cannot draw a perfect circle to save my life.

i didn't know what to do after the necklace. her hair is too complicated and the lighting on her face is too bright. i think i'm finally going to succumb to internet photos so i can desaturate them and make it easier for myself (as taught by wise master kimio).

finally decided to do the hair first. i think i'm finally getting better at drawing hair. *jumps for joy* or i could just be deluded. hahaha.

a "reality" check. this is another WIPs unlimited post btw. hehe.

for some reason, her eyes shrunk. i deserve a beating. but i swear, i measured her eyes to the exact centimeter. i believe there is an exact science to art. kidding. but i guess that was a bad idea. i'm still trying to practice applying the loomis' basic head shape (as taught by wise master kimio) on the pictures. not making so much progress i guess. :(

obviously, i still have a lot of problems with shading. it's like i regressed again in the few days i wasn't able to draw. but im just too exhausted after work, there's not much i can do.

four more to go. gotta get better.

delicious ambiguity.