strength.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

delicious ambiguity.

podcasts don't change the world.

anyone who thinks he can change the world simply by pointing out flaws and expecting everyone to come to an epiphany and get on their feet is deluded.

one does not change the world by picking out the weeds and stomping on the ground.

one cannot change the world without changing a country, a community, a person first. and this does not happen over angry podcasts that tread on a country's identity.

adam carolla was right in saying that manny pacquiao should not be allowed to lead merely on the basis of his fame and his fortune. i believe that he is in his right place in this lifetime: inside the boxing ring. all his charitable deeds are just that: charity. it does not show an exceptional ability to lead, to govern, to breathe life into this dying country. he cannot buy a first-world ranking for this country. he cannot sustain whatever is left of the life of this country on charitable donations. his fame cannot feed the hungry, shelter the homeless or heal the sick. his hands were made for sport, not to build a country.

true, he unites the filipino people. he is a symbol of hope. we've become so used to losing and being tread upon that he became our silver lining. but we are not all stupid, contrary to what most of the world thinks. we are not all contented with slavery and passivity. we are kind but not tolerating. we are understanding but not naive. we are small but we are strong.

manny pacquiao is not everything to the filipino people. he is simply a source of pride, a ray of hope, a symbol of strength. he is not this country's knight in shining armor. we are our own saviors.

so don't look down on us. we may be a third world country, but we can survive in places and times you can't even dare imagine. on the day when we finally rise up to your level, we will not push you to the ground, we will just rise even higher.

delicious ambiguity.

my first eulogy: eulogy to my grandmother

Nobody has ever loved as she had.

She has always understood more than anyone can ever understand.

She has always loved more than anybody deserved.

She has always cared more than she could offer herself to care.

No summary could do justice to the life she led. I can only say as much as those things we will miss, those things we love and will always love about her.

What will we miss?

.. The feel of her frail and gentle hands against our skin as she tries to rub away our pain with her herbal remedies, and how we have always been thankful for those herbs, often not realizing that it is not the herbs that heal, its her love, her gentle caress, her warmth and her desire to take away our pain because she hurts too.

.. Her voice that speaks of eternal patience and forgiveness. At the end of those days where we return drunk and noisy, regretful and pregnant, hurt and seeking refuge, angry and irrational, she has always been there to listen, to care, to touch. And then you’d know, things are going to be alright.

.. Her strength and unwavering faith in life and its goodness. How she always finds a way to collect all those coins for our fare and allowance; how she always finds the strength to wash and iron our clothes, cook our food and polish our shoes; how she manages to create slippers out of paper just so we’d know the importance of clean feet.; how she always tries to teach us the proper way for a girl to sit, for a boy to eat, for a parent to love;

.. Her love that transcends mistakes, overcomes shortcomings, forgives, and forever endures. Her love that shines from her eyes, flows through her veins, radiates from her smiles and emanates from all that she does. It is her love that keeps us going through the toughest of times and it is her love that makes every blissful moment even more worthwhile.

And now, we think, how are we supposed to continue living without the feel of her frail hands, the sound of her voice, the source of our strength, the meaning of unconditional love? How do we get by knowing that we may never see her smile again? And how do we accept the fact that she is not here with us anymore, that she won’t be there to listen when were drunk, regretful, angry and hurt?

The answer is family. She has always kept this whole family together, she has always tried to keep it close. She taught us that life is not about the things that break us, its about the things that bind us. If there is anything and anyone, who will help us get through this loss, its going to be our family.

As we say our last goodbyes, let us seek comfort in the fact that she has returned to the arms of the One who can love her no greater than anyone else and that she has left us with lessons, love and families that would endure just as greatly as she had in this world.

Nobody has ever loved as she had. We can only aspire to love as much as she had, to keep the family as close as she had.

She is not gone. She is in each of our hearts, she is in every family we have.

- February 10, 2008 -

delicious ambiguity.

a eulogy for my grandmother

my grandmother died last tuesday. i was tasked to deliver a speech to remember her life that was and to help everyone else heal. but how does one inspire when one has lost?

***

Sometimes it’s not the tears that measure the pain. It’s the smile that we fake to show everyone we’re okay.

But we’re not okay. We’re hurting inside, terribly.

I lost a grandmother who helped me through my ABCs and my exams. I lost a grandmother who made me Sailormoon when I said I wanted to be one. I lost a grandmother who never failed to remember all the significant occasions in my life. I lost my grandmother.

We lost a parent, a sister, a teacher, a friend. We lost a significant part of the family. And it hurt us.

Mamang,

When you stopped talking to us,

When you started to forget,

When your wounds hurt you,

When you left without saying goodbye,

You hurt us.

But we may not have known how much we hurt you.

For all the times you called out to us but we did not respond,

For all the times you needed patience and understanding and all we could give you was silence,

For all the times you fought back the words, the fears and the tears and we never knew,

For all the time we were not by your side and you felt alone,

For all the times we did not get to say how much we love you,

We are sorry.

But know that we are hurting terribly. No pain can ever match that which is felt for a parent lost. Your absence will forever leave a hole in our hearts and we can only do so much as attempt to patch up the hurt with the memories you left us.

Mamang,

Thank you for your guidance, your lessons and your patience.

Thank you for the love, the understanding and the forgiveness.

But most of all, thank you for the family that you put together to forever remind us the essence of family you once taught us.

This is most painful to those who have been left behind.

To Lolo Nitoy and Lola Baby

Lolo Emil and Lola Linda

Lola Dory and Lolo Ben

Lolo Ben and Lola Jean

Lola Nora and Lolo Bob

She was a sister whose love burned bright and strong and she will remain alive through each of you.

To Papa and Mommy

Tito Boyet and Tita Shiela

Tita Baby and Tito Conrad

She was a mother who taught you how to be husband and wife and most of all, parents. Keep the family together and remain strong. That’s what she would have wanted.

To Ate Carol who knew my grandmother best during her last few months. Thank you for tending her wounds, wiping her tears and feeding her strength. You kept her alive.

To everyone who stayed by our side during this time of need, who kept us strong and paid their respects, thank you. My grandmother is happy that you loved her til the very end.

And to those who cannot be here, we can only imagine how painful it is to be mourning alone and away from her. But know that your prayers reached her and that she understands that your love transcends distance.

Smile, even if it hurts. We will heal because we are together.

Smile, because Mamang loved you.

And Mamang, we love you.

~ April 4, 2010 ~

***

delicious ambiguity.