basketball and NBA seasons past.

i liked basketball at one point in ancient history. i used to love michael jordan with all my heart and soul. he was the greatest man alive for all i cared. i watched his every game and i cheered him on. nevermind that he sweats like crazy, nevermind that he chews the same bubble game for one entire game. he's a god.

i stuck to the chicago bulls for the entire duration of my childhood. i have fidelity genes so i kinda stuck to them no matter what. but then michael jordan started acting with bugs bunny and then he stopped playing basketball. i was heartbroken. i didnt understand why he had to stop playing. he was basketball. without him, there's just no point in watching basketball games anymore. it really made me sad when he stopped playing. kinda like when i first heard britney was pregnant or that Nsync was falling apart. as far as i was concerned, everyone that i grew up with shouldnt change. i didnt realize i was the only one being left behind while the rest of the world moved on.

the next team i rooted for was the lakers. kobe wasnt as good as michael jordan but they were a great team. and their uniform was yellow and purple. hahahaha. they looked nice. hahaha. but then kobe turned into a rapist and then shaquille moved out of the lakers. what is it with switching between teams?? am i the only one with fidelity genes?? well anyway, after that, i lost much interest in basketball. i cant bear to sit in front of the tv watching them run all over the court anymore.

i miss michael jordan.

but life goes on.

delicious ambiguity.

newly laundered poker face.

the world was angry at me yesterday. i probably deserved that. i have been unforgivably lazy these past few days.

i was finally working on my overdue paperwork when lo and behold, the computer shut down. and i have not saved a single sentence. there goes my first five pages of misplaced diligence. but i probably deserved that.

the electricity in the house was constantly fluctuating the whole day. i tried to fill my life threatening boredom by plugging in the TV, but all the lights in the house started flickering, switching on and off like those creepy effects in horror movies, so that meant no TV for me. but i probably deserved that.

the power supply of the house eventually gave out. we were in complete blackout while the rest of the neighbors were basking in glorious electricity. we had to call for help. "hello meralco, asan na yung kuryente namin?" i became a feast of enormous bony proportions to the mosquitoes for a few hours. but i probably deserved that.

i was sitting quietly outside the house, looking up at the stars, trying to mind my own space. i didnt ask you to bring down the whole of the heavens upon me. i never asked you to believe in me but i hoped you would. but the again, you never seemed to learn how. i never asked for your opinion on this, i merely shared my plans with you then. i didnt need you to rain on my shiny new parade. ive had enough. ive made too many mistakes for you. i didnt deserve this.

a newly laundered poker face. that's what you'll get from me this new year.

delicious ambiguity.

what it all comes down to.

we are having a hard time too. it's not all rainbows and butterflies out there. excerpts from my community journal, weeks 3 and 4.

************

We are being moderated when we were never made to from the very beginning. we are being reduced to something less than what we really are just to accomodate less of everybody else. if this doesn't work in opinion, what more in real life? now we are being let loose in an environment, a structure we do not fully accept and they expect us to survive and make a difference?

***

Community organizing is not inspired overnight. i dont know if setting a 5-year deadline works any better than hoping for it to occur. the pressure is on us and not on the people. we will be led towards desperation if not given the right direction. how are we supposed to move when we constantly have to remind ourselves not to move too much just so we can accomodate 5 years worth of progress towards community development? they dont approve of our competencies and we dont approve of their delimitations. the goal is noble, but the process is defective, the roles are clashing, the structure smothering.

***

We spent the whole morning trying to figure our lives out in the week. planning to make plans. trying to fill the gaps with tons of paperwork. filling duties and obligations with even more paperwork. i never thought helping other people ever needed documentation. but then again, maybe helping other people isnt the important competency.

***

We spent the afternoon trying to catch up with our missing data and deficient paperwork. not to mention our lacking motivation and growing exhaustion, that are very much out of place.

***

there is only so much we can do to help these people. there are problems that are beyond our capacity to solve, solutions that are beyond our abilities to provide.

delicious ambiguity.

sick cycle carousel.

"if shame had a face, i think it would kinda look like mine.."

he said i should grow up.
all this time i thought i have grown more than anybody else.

he said i should stop crying.
but what else would i be without tears?

he said i am weak.
i already know that. what i do not know is how to be strong.

he asked what i have done with my life.
i ask myself the same question every single day.

maybe i have not lived as much as any normal 20 year old should have. maybe i have not lived at all. the truth is, i am afraid. i live and die every so often that resurrection has become exhausting. maybe i have not grown at all. i was probably just living under the delusion that after all the coelho books i have read, all the personality quizzes i have taken, all the life movies i have seen and all the stories i have heard and provided resolution to, i am a grown woman, knowledgeable of the ways of the world, able to protect herself and survive til the end. but thats not true is it? im still just the little girl in the school corner seeking refuge in her journal.

maybe i do cry too much. but they said crying was good for you. they said you shouldnt keep your emotions in. but then again, nobody said every little thing should hurt you, affect you unnecessarily. if tears do run out, why cant i seem to stop?

maybe i am weak. and i do admit that i am. sometimes i think this self awareness is my strength. but then again, i can only be as strong as i believe myself to be. and i dont believe i am.

i have not done much with my life. i have only lived it as far as the norms of society say i live it. very unlike the life i have always wanted. so what do i do now?

"a list of things i should do before i turn a year older again."
(coming soon)

delicious ambiguity.

sailed on.

"..you'll only go away in the end.."

i turned 20 today. nothing really significant about it, it was just another day, another year. nothing i ever hoped for in a birthday but im used to it. when you have lived all your life wallowing in disappointment and misery, everything becomes .. the same.

i sang myself a happy birthday while i was in the shower. i couldnt get past the third happy birthday line. i was incredibly disgusted at how pathetic i have become, mourning over an insignificant birthday. it didnt matter really, whether or not i celebrate my birthday. people around me have always shown that they love me and that is more than enough. i remember that one time, when my groupmates sang me a public happy birthday in the train station. nevermind that everyone was looking our way and that my jaw dropped in shock. they sang the song anyway and hugged me like they wouldnt let go. this morning, i got an adrenaline rush from all the messages and greetings people sent at the strike of 12. my bestfriend wrote me a birthday blog which sent me bawling in tears. and a long lost friend called from far away and sang me a happy birthday.

i dont need huge parties or big gifts. it is more than enough to know that i have these people around me. i may be getting older, but i also know that i am blessed more and more each year to have them by my side through all this time.

i love you guys. thank you so much.

delicious ambiguity.

i bit the apple.

i dont really need a reaffirmation of how generic each of our lives can be. but this hit home so bad i just had to share.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

taken from: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

oh yes, this is oh-so-true.

delicious ambiguity.

this is how you remind me.

i realized the extent of my loneliness last night. it was the kind that consumes you entirely and you are left with nothing else but tears. it was the kind that made you realize how pathetic your existence has been this whole time and how much more pathetic it will be the next day, and the next, and the next. it was the kind that told you you were tired and that you are not ready to face the world because you are broken. it was the kind that told you how tired you are of having to listen to the same pains over and over again, and how exhausted you are of having to try and fix broken people along the way just because you feel you need to, and it has become your lifelong obligation to. i cried because i was alone. i cried because no one could comfort me and make me stop crying. i cried because i could not seek refuge anywhere. i cried because there was no one out there.

i dont want any of these anymore. i wish everything would stop. this life has become so monotonous that i cannot bear another day of it. i do not wish for death. i just want it all to stop.

 

delicious ambiguity.

chicken barbeque.

i went to TriNoma with my friends this afternoon, right after my 2-4pm class. i was really excited (and nervous) to see whether my shirt entry for this year's Artwork shirt design competition made it to the top 100 shirts. i joined the competition last year and my shirt was part of the top 100. but i aimed higher this year, i wanted to at least qualify for the top 10 shirts. i am aware, however, that there are a gazillion other artists out there who could undoubtedly do better than me but i still have my self esteem pretty much intact, thank you very much. i submitted this a month ahead of the deadline and you could just imagine how passionately i counted down the days to this exhibit day. imagine my shock when i could not find the exhibit in the mall anywhere. not to mention my indignation when i found out it has been cancelled.

it was depressing. it never occurred to me that Artwork could afford to fail its consumers and aspiring designers by cancelling the scheduled exhibit without notice. it was a breech of contract, a stab against their professionalism -- those organizers behind the said competition. it is unfair: we patiently waited, we did our part, it is just right for us to expect that the organizers perform their roles just as well.

no one knows exactly when the exhibit will be held. great. so much for excitement.

delicious ambiguity.

justice, choice, people.

i have always dreamed big things for these people. i have always known that we deserved more than what we have received from the institution. we have always tried our best, we always made sure we tried harder the next time. but we have always been misunderstood, underappreciated, misjudged. until today, that is.

our victory lies not only in the awards* and in the recognition we received. it lies, more importantly, in the unity, in the faith we all have in ourselves, in the truth that we can depend on each other no matter what. we have gone through a lot together, a few have broken away, but we're stronger than ever. we have failed and succeeded, laughed and cried, learned and made mistakes together. if i were to be given another lifetime, i would still choose to spend my life with all of you.

*most original, most creative, most outstanding performance Nursecissism 2008 (UPCN)

delicious ambiguity.

remembering what used to be.

i have forgotten what she looked like. i have forgotten why i cried over her, when we lost. i have forgotten what she stood for, what we gave up and poured into her. i have forgotten. it hurt me to realize that i have.

i wanted to remember. so i looked up my past blogs and albums about the 2007 lantern parade. i realized i still could not get over the defeat. we deserved to win. they knew that. we knew that.

i remember how the batch united to make her possible. we spent days, weeks, tired and sleepless. but we were happy. the bonds grew, the relationships were strengthened. she was our unifying factor. that is why she meant so much, and for her to be misunderstood, overlooked, hurt me a lot. i have always wanted the batch to grow, to come in unity. from the very beginning we already were apart: clustered in our own separate groups, it was always hard to sustain a collective effort. and when we were finally as one, it seemed as if the world conspired, cheated against us.

i believed that despite the loss, our unity would be sustained, that we would transcend hurdles as a batch, and that we would not break apart. i hoped, i wished, i trusted. but things are not the same anymore. so many things have happened, so many changes have taken place. we have drifted even farther apart.



i miss her.



i miss the batch.


delicious ambiguity.

my autumn cup.

things i did today:
1. i attended a dramatically improved rehearsal
2. i directed dramatically changed people
3. i bought an oreo mocha mudslide caramel apple
4. i got my tickets for tomorrow's cheerdance
5. i ate pizza with my family
6. i got my 2000 peso little black dress
7. i found the perfect pair of purple heels
8. i went shopping with my mom
9. i found fab clothes, awesome shoes but never bought any of them
10. i ate chicken (as i do every single day)
11. i stepped on a really crunchy dried leaf
12. i helped an old man on the jeep
13. i had happy conversations with a lot of people
14. i drank from my favorite mug
15. i smiled. a lot.

i realized life is as simple as this. the smallest things do make you happy, although on most days our misery devours this simple truth.

you have to tell another person how he/she makes you feel so that the both of you can resolve this conflict. you cannot shoulder the whole conflict on your own. it was a conflict made by the two of you, logically, it follows that the both of you resolve this.

people have to see that everyone else is motivated, that everyone else wants to act, wants to work. people have to know that each of them are looking forward to the same things. they have to know that it isnt the end that matters, its the journey on the way to the end that is most essential. this journey has to be made significant. if in the beginning, it is already pointless, there wouldnt be a drive: not towards the end, not even to continue the beginning.

i never used to like my pink tweety bird mug. it was always heavy, it always seemed too fragile. but i realized recently, that my juice tastes better in it, that i drink more water when i drink from my mug. its not even in the aesthetics. my tumbler is apple green and thats my favorite color in this lifetime and in the next ten thousand. i realized that my satisfaction was in its weight, its fragility -- the very things i used to hate about it. in order to drink from this mug, i have to raise it to the level of my mouth, and tip it perpendicular to my mouth, not an angle less, or else i wouldnt be able to drink from it. i have to carefully hold it, make sure my grip is right and tight enough so that it wouldnt fall and break. my mug is a lot like life. i have to make sure i exert enough effort on it so i get what i deserve and that i must always make sure that my grip on life is tight and that i am anchored on the right beliefs, the right values, the right lessons so that it wouldnt fall from me and break me in the long run.

it was actually a friend who introduced me to the step-on-a-crunchy-dried-leaf habit. i never used to care about the dried leaves on the road. i couldnt distinguish one brown leaf from another anyway. but when i realized that there is a sense of satisfaction derived from stepping on dried leaves, it immediately grew on me and now, its my habit too. my friends and i compete over the crunchiest leaves nowadays. shallow? hahaha. i know. but who cares. it really is fun. it makes you aware of the smallest, seemingly insignificant things on the road, in your life. it makes you realize that no matter how dried up and over some parts of your past are, they still exist, and they can create sounds, waves, echoes, ripples in the present. you cannot completely eliminate these things from your past, because they too, are growing in your present. it just so happened that in your present, it was just a shrivelled, dried up leaf. but it still is a leaf. the sense of satisfaction that stems from the act of stepping and hearing the crunch crunch of the leaf under you feet is like an affirmation of your control, your power over these small, seemingly insignificant things. a consolation, a recognition for your ego, your self esteem and your self faith.

life is simple. today i am actually saying this because i do not care for my miseries at present. tomorrow, i will probably have a different perspective again. but i will still eat chicken, i can still eat pizza with my family, i can still window shop and not shop at all, i can still help people, smile a lot, have good conversations with my friends and i will still drink from my mug and step on the crunchiest leaves. maybe tomorrow i would forget how simple life really is. but i would not renounce all of the pleasures life's simplicities provide me.

delicious ambiguity.

the road less traveled

"Perhaps i am giving too much thought to things that have less to do with thought and more to do with action." - Paulo Coelho, Like the Flowing River

guilty as charged. i think too much at times, usually without a point, without a conclusion, without a resolution. it scares me a little sometimes, knowing doing this too much could lead to a break in my sanity, just because there is such a thing as saturation point and limitations. but sometimes i think, what is there to fear about insanity? the social stigma? the absence of logic and reason? the thought of losing all life points ive earned so far? but even as we believe ourselves to be healthily sane, we are faced with social stigma: dagger looks because of the things we wear, backstabs, hate mail, slaps in the face. wouldnt it be nice to get out of the logic and reason cosmos for a while? no worries about norms and expectations or standards and measurements. life points are your successes, your moments of happiness, your satisfaction in life, your will to live. you get life points too by reading coelho and all of them pro-life people. superficial? maybe. but were all just trying our best to find our way. if insanity is the road less traveled, maybe it isnt too much of a big deal as we make it.

i feel too much at times too. inappropriate affect, in the words of psychiatry. inappropriate just because the emotion i possess is always too much for one occasion. exaggerated. ginormously exaggerated. but what is worse? too much thinking or too much feeling?

i dont know. and i dont seek resolution. i am only trying to live my life here. if i would be spared of such dilemmas, maybe i would be living a happier life. but whoever said i wanted a happier life? the general assumption is that everyone wants to be happy. but its the 21st century. is it still applicable? has anyone seen the emo revolution lately? i dont think there is a single living soul on this planet who has not seen a teenage kid in black skinny jeans, black baby tee, eyeliner and a hideous haircut. and oh yeah, he's a boy. these people do not want to be happy. they want to be left in their misery, with their blades and their hideous get up. but then again, maybe these things make them happy. ambivalence. thats what this generation is all about. nobody is content with a single emotion anymore. everyone tries to hoarde as much emotions as they can. does it make you a stronger person? i dont know. what i do know is that it brings you closer to insanity.

insanity is the newest trend. its the coolest death. the grandest beginning.

delicious ambiguity.

two steps into the river.

we go through life never knowing why we deserve and dont deserve all of the things that happen in our lives. we go about it blindly. no matter how many inspirational or lessons-learned-in-life books one reads, one can never be fully prepared, fully ready, fully appreciative, fully understanding and fully patient on the events that conspire in each of our lives. things happen that exceed our threshold of tolerance, our emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological limitations. and more often than not, these excesses break us.

recently, i have been told that i have to face one of my greatest fears, my greatest weaknesses. i am hollow, i do not know where i would derive enough strength to make this work. i never thought i would have to experience this. i had so much faith in the little of what is left in the justice of this world and even in this small amount of misplaced faith, i was failed. i do not know what i did to deserve this and i do not hope to know in the future. at present, i am already involved in something i fought so hard against my whole life. in these moments of resignation and helplessness, where is one supposed to derive the so-called will to live? faith is the life blood of life itself, and when this has disappeared, where are you supposed to turn to?

everything is transitory, temporary, fleeting, changing. in all my years of existence, i still havent gotten used to this truth. it is a painful kind of truth, one that stabs you and strangles you at the same time. and it isnt fair. they say everyone and everything changes, that change is the only permanent and sure thing in this world. but why does it feel as if i am unchanged while everyone else changes? why do i get hurt and they dont? why do i have to be the one always left behind? if everything is transitory, temporary and fleeting, why havent i deserved my turn yet?

delicious ambiguity.

ten feet off the ground

people have been apologizing to me a lot lately. they say "sorry" with a gazillion exclamation points and another gazillion gasps and sighs at the end that it becomes hard to dig up the sympathy/empathy beneath them.

i used to be content with people's apologies. it used to make me happy knowing that they realize their mistakes and that they are human enough to admit them just as much as they are human enough to commit them. but i realized, it shouldnt end there. humanity should be the limit, not the logic behind our mistakes. it is human to err just as much as it is human to choose to err. our mistakes were our choices. apologies cannot undo these mistakes. the spoken word can only heal so much.

i dont need your gazillion exclamation points, nor your literary gasps and sighs. i need you to act in apology.

delicious ambiguity.

saturation to the point of no redemption.

what is the point of all of these?

as i sit here, staring blankly at my screen, allowing my vision to swirl around the bright lights, the thought suddenly comes up. i am supposed to do tens of thousands of things right this moment so i could do tens of thousands of things again tomorrow, but i am not. i am trying to fathom the pointlessness of all these transitory, temporary and insignificant things. i am wondering (as i have wondered all my life) why we struggle to live to die, to breathe despite all the suffocating forces that exist and evolve around and within us.

i have known how it is to feel genuinely tired of breathing. every intake of breath was painful. i could feel exhaustion creeping up my chest and lungs, my heart, my soul. it was real pain and exhaustion. saturation to the point of no redemption. during those moments, i looked back at my life and i said i was ready to let go. and i would have let go. it seemed so easy then. but i couldnt. breathing was involuntary. even in death, one is never in control of his or her own life. our birth was not within our power. the little power we have we use on doughnut flavors, cologne variants, music artists and printed shirts.

we are powerless. we live to realize and recognize that.

delicious ambiguity.

vague existence.

No, i did not write about you in my journal.
I didn't think i needed to preserve you in anyway because I thought you were real, I thought you would last.
But you didn't. You disappeared before I could ask you why.

I don't understand why people have to go. And why they have to do it in such painful ways. Are people's social circles inflexible and inelastic? Do our socialization capacities have limitations? Why can't people stay "forever"? The human mind was capable of conceiving such an idea, why can't it be real then?

This isn't fair. I spend days wondering, wishing and hoping for something I thought I could believe in. I wasn't asking for anything, I just wanted you to stay. I didn't think I needed to ask that from you, I thought you wanted to stay too.

It's tragic how people have to endure another person's unsaid goodbye. What's even more painful was that it happened right after the first hello.

delicious ambiguity.

anhedonia.

We have to unlearn to realize the truth.
We have to get hurt to remember where we are.
We have to endure to unlearn and get hurt another day.

This isnt going to be life inspiring. Inspiration is what you find when youre happy. Happiness is not the default emotion in life. It happens on rare occasions. What really happens is that you live each day in sorrow, waiting, hurting. You live in sorrow until the day when you finally get your chance at a slice of happiness. You wait patiently, arduously, for that one slice of fleeting happiness. You hurt until then. And you hurt even more after that.

Life is not fair. It never was and never will be. Were just kidding ourselves when we say life is good and just. It isnt. Its not even happy by default.

What happens after this? What happens when you realize that life sucks and that it sucks even more each day?

You live it. You live for sorrow, you live to wait, you live to endure.
Because only then will you realize that your purpose in life is not to live a superficial existence, but to find genuine moments of happiness in a lifetime of misery.

delicious ambiguity.

avolition.

The mistakes we make are as big and as enduring as the time it takes for us to recognize and accept them, as hurtful as the intensity of our denial and as encompassing as our pride. Our humanity is the limit of our mistakes, not the logic behind them. We make mistakes a lot of times but we fail to learn everytime. It is not by the number of mistakes we have committed that we are measured, but by the collective effect these mistakes have upon the people around you.

delicious ambiguity.

poverty of speech.

I have encountered many opportunities wherein I needed to be therapeutic, to be understanding, to be able to give the right answers and offer the right advice to my friends, even to strangers, because they have become incapable to do so for themselves at that very moment of vulnerability. It usually comes easy for me to empathize with them but it becomes harder for me to find the right words to say. Its hard when you know somebody trusts you that much to say the right things, to be the one to shake them back into reality but not knowing exactly what the right things are and being incapable of showing them the way back to reality because you’re not sure how to get there yourself.

*

Helping other people and trying to fix their lives for them are two completely different things – this is what I learned today. I got so used to listening to my friends and talking them into doing the right things, the things I believe will do them the most good and having them accept all that I say. I always thought that was how you help people: you try to fix their lives for them. But I was wrong.

There is a limitation to how much any of us can be of any help to everybody else. Selflessness turns into selfishness, and our intentions to help may not turn out helpful at all. There are things that cannot be fixed and there are things that are best left unsaid.

*

I learned that it is easier to make people happy with the smallest things than to try and find the big words to capture their pain.

*

I find it so hard to understand human nature. I find it harder to just passively accept human nature, especially when the behavior is more destructive, more hurtful to oneself and even to others. Some people try to bring out the best in human nature, to try and heal whatever is wrong with it but I guess it is in human nature to naturally resist, desist and defend itself. I wanted to understand why they held back. Is it because of fear of humiliation? Fear of happiness? Or is it because they know that their pain is terminal and that a fleeting sense of happiness would only give them false hope?

There is no book that tells us what the right emotion is for every moment. There is no happy chapter that demonstrates all the possible expressions of happiness, all the avenues, all the sources of happiness. There is no written guidebook to emotions and human nature. They are things that we should discover on our own, things we should deal with on our own. If we decide to try and fix these things for them, we should know when to stop. We should know the limitations and the right expectations. We are but mere mortals with the innate instinct to live and defend oneself. Every perceived threat must be dealt with accordingly.

*

Expectations are not always met and readiness is always just an ideal. Life is not something that was planned for us by any human cognition; it is something we learn to go through as we live it each day. We cannot fully grasp all people, places, events and ideas all at the same time, in one single moment. Our human capacity is bounded by limitations, circumscribed in imperfection. The unexpected and the unknown are concepts known only to powers greater than the human faculty. Our humanity keeps us unready our whole existence. We can never be ready for anything, much less everything. To know fear is to be human. To feel pain is to be human. To endure is human.

delicious ambiguity.

atropine.

It’s amazing how generic each of our lives seem to be. We have the same stories, the same pain, the same loneliness, the same fears, dreams and regrets. We feel alone, thinking that no one else can understand us better than ourselves, so we try to keep everything bottled up inside. We try to be our own personal heroes, battling it out on the field on our own. But we don’t always win. And we don’t always declare surrender. But it doesn’t matter does it? We are our only audience, we are our only readers, we are the only ones in our own fields because no one else knows. We can always fake success, happiness and strength because no one knows otherwise. But we are mere mortals. We can only endure so much.

I found comfort in the idea that life is as generic as drugs and that I am not the only one feeling the same way, experiencing the same thing. It was heartbreaking to realize we all held the same pain and yet we never knew we could have helped each other earlier. It also felt surprisingly happy to have been able to let it all out to everyone who was willing to listen. It felt different after you’ve come out weak, vulnerable and fragile. It felt as if you were stronger because there are other people who knew what you are going through and you know that they will be there to help you, protect you. For once, you wouldn’t have to be afraid that your ivory wall might crumble because you know, you have torn it apart yourself when you opened up your heart, your life, your pain to others. You don’t have to hide because you are not alone. Everybody else is just as pained as you. And everybody is willing to listen, to care and to cry with you.

Although it is heartbreaking to realize that everyone is suffering as much as you even if you feel that nobody else deserves the same pain as you, it was comforting to know that life is fair, that all are equal, that we are not alone.

And we will never be.

I learned to love life more because of its pain and its loneliness.

I learned to love life because I’ve found the best people to share them all with.