invincible

in high school, we used to write weekly journals about anything in the world. our teacher would read through them diligently and painstakingly respond to the pathetic woes of teenagers caught in identity crises, romantic mishaps, personal demon battles. i always looked forward to his replies because no matter how ridiculous or pathetic my situation in life is, he never once made me feel like it was insignificant or that i was being petty. he would always find a way to make you see the bad situation in a good light, to make you believe in yourself no matter what. teenagers needed a lot of that, the faith in oneself. he was always so generous with it. it was not hard to be honest about most of the things i was going through then.

eventually, i graduated from high school and i had to part from my journal notebook and say goodbye to my teacher. i don't think i ever got around to tell him how much it meant to me that he was there, all the way, guiding me and letting me know that everything's alright and that it's normal to be hurt and unsure sometimes. i believe he contributed significantly to the person i am right now but i never got to tell him that. now all that remains is this journal notebook which i still read every now and then because the lessons never fade and they remain relevant no matter how much time has passed.

last night, i was talking to a few friends on skype and it was then that i realized how incredibly unhappy i still am despite getting this far. i realized that one does not become happy just by overcoming one unhappy obstacle. or by overcoming two, three, four unhappy obstacles. happiness is a continuous struggle, a neverending quest. and i pity myself because i have not found it, i have not found that one obstacle which would make me happy. i shut my eyes tight and bite back the tears.

but today i found this journal notebook again. and i read my teacher's final message to me. 

and everything's okay again.

someday, i hope you get to read this and know how much your guidance meant to me all these years. i would have loved to write to you again and i would still be as excited to wait for your replies as i was back then in high school. but you're in a new place now and you're teaching new kids. i believe they deserve the chance to be guided by you more than i do now. 

there comes a point when we need to realize that we need to start depending on ourselves, and stop depending on others. i can keep writing journal entries but there won't be anyone to react to them anymore, but that's okay. growing up means you need to learn to look out for yourself. you taught me well.

one day i hope i can share stories with you again and i hope you can share yours too.

delicious ambiguity.

hamartia

wow. can't believe i neglected this blog again for so long. i don't think it's necessary to state the obvious but i'm saying it anyway: a LOT has happened since my last artwork, and no, i am not referring to art.

***

for a long time, i believed that i was stronger than most. but recent events have led me to test my own strength, to recalibrate my own emotions and to evaluate the things (and people) i hold dear. no, i was not stronger than most. i was among the weak and i blinded myself into thinking that i was strong, not realizing that it was an illusion. for so long i had to endure, thinking it was a sign of strength when it fact it wasn't. i thought i was helping by mindlessly accepting but in reality i was causing more damage. i didn't realize the damage i was causing myself until it got to the point where i shattered into a thousand pieces. and only then, did i realize that i had to let go. for the first time in my life, i was strong. i let go.

***

there are some chapters in our lives that need not be opened again. not because old wounds would resurface and bleed again, but because there is just no point to it anymore. we get over some people because we have realized that life is better off without them in the long run. sometimes we learn more about someone when we spend less time together and a longer distance apart. and finally i can say that i'd rather not take another chance with you.

***

we say our own goodbyes, we get left with some. it still doesn't change the fact that it is always, always painful to be the one left behind. but there is beauty in goodbyes. 

delicious ambiguity.