invincible

in high school, we used to write weekly journals about anything in the world. our teacher would read through them diligently and painstakingly respond to the pathetic woes of teenagers caught in identity crises, romantic mishaps, personal demon battles. i always looked forward to his replies because no matter how ridiculous or pathetic my situation in life is, he never once made me feel like it was insignificant or that i was being petty. he would always find a way to make you see the bad situation in a good light, to make you believe in yourself no matter what. teenagers needed a lot of that, the faith in oneself. he was always so generous with it. it was not hard to be honest about most of the things i was going through then.

eventually, i graduated from high school and i had to part from my journal notebook and say goodbye to my teacher. i don't think i ever got around to tell him how much it meant to me that he was there, all the way, guiding me and letting me know that everything's alright and that it's normal to be hurt and unsure sometimes. i believe he contributed significantly to the person i am right now but i never got to tell him that. now all that remains is this journal notebook which i still read every now and then because the lessons never fade and they remain relevant no matter how much time has passed.

last night, i was talking to a few friends on skype and it was then that i realized how incredibly unhappy i still am despite getting this far. i realized that one does not become happy just by overcoming one unhappy obstacle. or by overcoming two, three, four unhappy obstacles. happiness is a continuous struggle, a neverending quest. and i pity myself because i have not found it, i have not found that one obstacle which would make me happy. i shut my eyes tight and bite back the tears.

but today i found this journal notebook again. and i read my teacher's final message to me. 

and everything's okay again.

someday, i hope you get to read this and know how much your guidance meant to me all these years. i would have loved to write to you again and i would still be as excited to wait for your replies as i was back then in high school. but you're in a new place now and you're teaching new kids. i believe they deserve the chance to be guided by you more than i do now. 

there comes a point when we need to realize that we need to start depending on ourselves, and stop depending on others. i can keep writing journal entries but there won't be anyone to react to them anymore, but that's okay. growing up means you need to learn to look out for yourself. you taught me well.

one day i hope i can share stories with you again and i hope you can share yours too.

delicious ambiguity.