chicken barbeque.

i went to TriNoma with my friends this afternoon, right after my 2-4pm class. i was really excited (and nervous) to see whether my shirt entry for this year's Artwork shirt design competition made it to the top 100 shirts. i joined the competition last year and my shirt was part of the top 100. but i aimed higher this year, i wanted to at least qualify for the top 10 shirts. i am aware, however, that there are a gazillion other artists out there who could undoubtedly do better than me but i still have my self esteem pretty much intact, thank you very much. i submitted this a month ahead of the deadline and you could just imagine how passionately i counted down the days to this exhibit day. imagine my shock when i could not find the exhibit in the mall anywhere. not to mention my indignation when i found out it has been cancelled.

it was depressing. it never occurred to me that Artwork could afford to fail its consumers and aspiring designers by cancelling the scheduled exhibit without notice. it was a breech of contract, a stab against their professionalism -- those organizers behind the said competition. it is unfair: we patiently waited, we did our part, it is just right for us to expect that the organizers perform their roles just as well.

no one knows exactly when the exhibit will be held. great. so much for excitement.

delicious ambiguity.

justice, choice, people.

i have always dreamed big things for these people. i have always known that we deserved more than what we have received from the institution. we have always tried our best, we always made sure we tried harder the next time. but we have always been misunderstood, underappreciated, misjudged. until today, that is.

our victory lies not only in the awards* and in the recognition we received. it lies, more importantly, in the unity, in the faith we all have in ourselves, in the truth that we can depend on each other no matter what. we have gone through a lot together, a few have broken away, but we're stronger than ever. we have failed and succeeded, laughed and cried, learned and made mistakes together. if i were to be given another lifetime, i would still choose to spend my life with all of you.

*most original, most creative, most outstanding performance Nursecissism 2008 (UPCN)

delicious ambiguity.

remembering what used to be.

i have forgotten what she looked like. i have forgotten why i cried over her, when we lost. i have forgotten what she stood for, what we gave up and poured into her. i have forgotten. it hurt me to realize that i have.

i wanted to remember. so i looked up my past blogs and albums about the 2007 lantern parade. i realized i still could not get over the defeat. we deserved to win. they knew that. we knew that.

i remember how the batch united to make her possible. we spent days, weeks, tired and sleepless. but we were happy. the bonds grew, the relationships were strengthened. she was our unifying factor. that is why she meant so much, and for her to be misunderstood, overlooked, hurt me a lot. i have always wanted the batch to grow, to come in unity. from the very beginning we already were apart: clustered in our own separate groups, it was always hard to sustain a collective effort. and when we were finally as one, it seemed as if the world conspired, cheated against us.

i believed that despite the loss, our unity would be sustained, that we would transcend hurdles as a batch, and that we would not break apart. i hoped, i wished, i trusted. but things are not the same anymore. so many things have happened, so many changes have taken place. we have drifted even farther apart.



i miss her.



i miss the batch.


delicious ambiguity.

my autumn cup.

things i did today:
1. i attended a dramatically improved rehearsal
2. i directed dramatically changed people
3. i bought an oreo mocha mudslide caramel apple
4. i got my tickets for tomorrow's cheerdance
5. i ate pizza with my family
6. i got my 2000 peso little black dress
7. i found the perfect pair of purple heels
8. i went shopping with my mom
9. i found fab clothes, awesome shoes but never bought any of them
10. i ate chicken (as i do every single day)
11. i stepped on a really crunchy dried leaf
12. i helped an old man on the jeep
13. i had happy conversations with a lot of people
14. i drank from my favorite mug
15. i smiled. a lot.

i realized life is as simple as this. the smallest things do make you happy, although on most days our misery devours this simple truth.

you have to tell another person how he/she makes you feel so that the both of you can resolve this conflict. you cannot shoulder the whole conflict on your own. it was a conflict made by the two of you, logically, it follows that the both of you resolve this.

people have to see that everyone else is motivated, that everyone else wants to act, wants to work. people have to know that each of them are looking forward to the same things. they have to know that it isnt the end that matters, its the journey on the way to the end that is most essential. this journey has to be made significant. if in the beginning, it is already pointless, there wouldnt be a drive: not towards the end, not even to continue the beginning.

i never used to like my pink tweety bird mug. it was always heavy, it always seemed too fragile. but i realized recently, that my juice tastes better in it, that i drink more water when i drink from my mug. its not even in the aesthetics. my tumbler is apple green and thats my favorite color in this lifetime and in the next ten thousand. i realized that my satisfaction was in its weight, its fragility -- the very things i used to hate about it. in order to drink from this mug, i have to raise it to the level of my mouth, and tip it perpendicular to my mouth, not an angle less, or else i wouldnt be able to drink from it. i have to carefully hold it, make sure my grip is right and tight enough so that it wouldnt fall and break. my mug is a lot like life. i have to make sure i exert enough effort on it so i get what i deserve and that i must always make sure that my grip on life is tight and that i am anchored on the right beliefs, the right values, the right lessons so that it wouldnt fall from me and break me in the long run.

it was actually a friend who introduced me to the step-on-a-crunchy-dried-leaf habit. i never used to care about the dried leaves on the road. i couldnt distinguish one brown leaf from another anyway. but when i realized that there is a sense of satisfaction derived from stepping on dried leaves, it immediately grew on me and now, its my habit too. my friends and i compete over the crunchiest leaves nowadays. shallow? hahaha. i know. but who cares. it really is fun. it makes you aware of the smallest, seemingly insignificant things on the road, in your life. it makes you realize that no matter how dried up and over some parts of your past are, they still exist, and they can create sounds, waves, echoes, ripples in the present. you cannot completely eliminate these things from your past, because they too, are growing in your present. it just so happened that in your present, it was just a shrivelled, dried up leaf. but it still is a leaf. the sense of satisfaction that stems from the act of stepping and hearing the crunch crunch of the leaf under you feet is like an affirmation of your control, your power over these small, seemingly insignificant things. a consolation, a recognition for your ego, your self esteem and your self faith.

life is simple. today i am actually saying this because i do not care for my miseries at present. tomorrow, i will probably have a different perspective again. but i will still eat chicken, i can still eat pizza with my family, i can still window shop and not shop at all, i can still help people, smile a lot, have good conversations with my friends and i will still drink from my mug and step on the crunchiest leaves. maybe tomorrow i would forget how simple life really is. but i would not renounce all of the pleasures life's simplicities provide me.

delicious ambiguity.

the road less traveled

"Perhaps i am giving too much thought to things that have less to do with thought and more to do with action." - Paulo Coelho, Like the Flowing River

guilty as charged. i think too much at times, usually without a point, without a conclusion, without a resolution. it scares me a little sometimes, knowing doing this too much could lead to a break in my sanity, just because there is such a thing as saturation point and limitations. but sometimes i think, what is there to fear about insanity? the social stigma? the absence of logic and reason? the thought of losing all life points ive earned so far? but even as we believe ourselves to be healthily sane, we are faced with social stigma: dagger looks because of the things we wear, backstabs, hate mail, slaps in the face. wouldnt it be nice to get out of the logic and reason cosmos for a while? no worries about norms and expectations or standards and measurements. life points are your successes, your moments of happiness, your satisfaction in life, your will to live. you get life points too by reading coelho and all of them pro-life people. superficial? maybe. but were all just trying our best to find our way. if insanity is the road less traveled, maybe it isnt too much of a big deal as we make it.

i feel too much at times too. inappropriate affect, in the words of psychiatry. inappropriate just because the emotion i possess is always too much for one occasion. exaggerated. ginormously exaggerated. but what is worse? too much thinking or too much feeling?

i dont know. and i dont seek resolution. i am only trying to live my life here. if i would be spared of such dilemmas, maybe i would be living a happier life. but whoever said i wanted a happier life? the general assumption is that everyone wants to be happy. but its the 21st century. is it still applicable? has anyone seen the emo revolution lately? i dont think there is a single living soul on this planet who has not seen a teenage kid in black skinny jeans, black baby tee, eyeliner and a hideous haircut. and oh yeah, he's a boy. these people do not want to be happy. they want to be left in their misery, with their blades and their hideous get up. but then again, maybe these things make them happy. ambivalence. thats what this generation is all about. nobody is content with a single emotion anymore. everyone tries to hoarde as much emotions as they can. does it make you a stronger person? i dont know. what i do know is that it brings you closer to insanity.

insanity is the newest trend. its the coolest death. the grandest beginning.

delicious ambiguity.