sick cycle carousel.

"if shame had a face, i think it would kinda look like mine.."

he said i should grow up.
all this time i thought i have grown more than anybody else.

he said i should stop crying.
but what else would i be without tears?

he said i am weak.
i already know that. what i do not know is how to be strong.

he asked what i have done with my life.
i ask myself the same question every single day.

maybe i have not lived as much as any normal 20 year old should have. maybe i have not lived at all. the truth is, i am afraid. i live and die every so often that resurrection has become exhausting. maybe i have not grown at all. i was probably just living under the delusion that after all the coelho books i have read, all the personality quizzes i have taken, all the life movies i have seen and all the stories i have heard and provided resolution to, i am a grown woman, knowledgeable of the ways of the world, able to protect herself and survive til the end. but thats not true is it? im still just the little girl in the school corner seeking refuge in her journal.

maybe i do cry too much. but they said crying was good for you. they said you shouldnt keep your emotions in. but then again, nobody said every little thing should hurt you, affect you unnecessarily. if tears do run out, why cant i seem to stop?

maybe i am weak. and i do admit that i am. sometimes i think this self awareness is my strength. but then again, i can only be as strong as i believe myself to be. and i dont believe i am.

i have not done much with my life. i have only lived it as far as the norms of society say i live it. very unlike the life i have always wanted. so what do i do now?

"a list of things i should do before i turn a year older again."
(coming soon)

delicious ambiguity.

sailed on.

"..you'll only go away in the end.."

i turned 20 today. nothing really significant about it, it was just another day, another year. nothing i ever hoped for in a birthday but im used to it. when you have lived all your life wallowing in disappointment and misery, everything becomes .. the same.

i sang myself a happy birthday while i was in the shower. i couldnt get past the third happy birthday line. i was incredibly disgusted at how pathetic i have become, mourning over an insignificant birthday. it didnt matter really, whether or not i celebrate my birthday. people around me have always shown that they love me and that is more than enough. i remember that one time, when my groupmates sang me a public happy birthday in the train station. nevermind that everyone was looking our way and that my jaw dropped in shock. they sang the song anyway and hugged me like they wouldnt let go. this morning, i got an adrenaline rush from all the messages and greetings people sent at the strike of 12. my bestfriend wrote me a birthday blog which sent me bawling in tears. and a long lost friend called from far away and sang me a happy birthday.

i dont need huge parties or big gifts. it is more than enough to know that i have these people around me. i may be getting older, but i also know that i am blessed more and more each year to have them by my side through all this time.

i love you guys. thank you so much.

delicious ambiguity.

i bit the apple.

i dont really need a reaffirmation of how generic each of our lives can be. but this hit home so bad i just had to share.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

taken from: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

oh yes, this is oh-so-true.

delicious ambiguity.

this is how you remind me.

i realized the extent of my loneliness last night. it was the kind that consumes you entirely and you are left with nothing else but tears. it was the kind that made you realize how pathetic your existence has been this whole time and how much more pathetic it will be the next day, and the next, and the next. it was the kind that told you you were tired and that you are not ready to face the world because you are broken. it was the kind that told you how tired you are of having to listen to the same pains over and over again, and how exhausted you are of having to try and fix broken people along the way just because you feel you need to, and it has become your lifelong obligation to. i cried because i was alone. i cried because no one could comfort me and make me stop crying. i cried because i could not seek refuge anywhere. i cried because there was no one out there.

i dont want any of these anymore. i wish everything would stop. this life has become so monotonous that i cannot bear another day of it. i do not wish for death. i just want it all to stop.

 

delicious ambiguity.