two steps into the river.

we go through life never knowing why we deserve and dont deserve all of the things that happen in our lives. we go about it blindly. no matter how many inspirational or lessons-learned-in-life books one reads, one can never be fully prepared, fully ready, fully appreciative, fully understanding and fully patient on the events that conspire in each of our lives. things happen that exceed our threshold of tolerance, our emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological limitations. and more often than not, these excesses break us.

recently, i have been told that i have to face one of my greatest fears, my greatest weaknesses. i am hollow, i do not know where i would derive enough strength to make this work. i never thought i would have to experience this. i had so much faith in the little of what is left in the justice of this world and even in this small amount of misplaced faith, i was failed. i do not know what i did to deserve this and i do not hope to know in the future. at present, i am already involved in something i fought so hard against my whole life. in these moments of resignation and helplessness, where is one supposed to derive the so-called will to live? faith is the life blood of life itself, and when this has disappeared, where are you supposed to turn to?

everything is transitory, temporary, fleeting, changing. in all my years of existence, i still havent gotten used to this truth. it is a painful kind of truth, one that stabs you and strangles you at the same time. and it isnt fair. they say everyone and everything changes, that change is the only permanent and sure thing in this world. but why does it feel as if i am unchanged while everyone else changes? why do i get hurt and they dont? why do i have to be the one always left behind? if everything is transitory, temporary and fleeting, why havent i deserved my turn yet?

delicious ambiguity.

ten feet off the ground

people have been apologizing to me a lot lately. they say "sorry" with a gazillion exclamation points and another gazillion gasps and sighs at the end that it becomes hard to dig up the sympathy/empathy beneath them.

i used to be content with people's apologies. it used to make me happy knowing that they realize their mistakes and that they are human enough to admit them just as much as they are human enough to commit them. but i realized, it shouldnt end there. humanity should be the limit, not the logic behind our mistakes. it is human to err just as much as it is human to choose to err. our mistakes were our choices. apologies cannot undo these mistakes. the spoken word can only heal so much.

i dont need your gazillion exclamation points, nor your literary gasps and sighs. i need you to act in apology.

delicious ambiguity.

saturation to the point of no redemption.

what is the point of all of these?

as i sit here, staring blankly at my screen, allowing my vision to swirl around the bright lights, the thought suddenly comes up. i am supposed to do tens of thousands of things right this moment so i could do tens of thousands of things again tomorrow, but i am not. i am trying to fathom the pointlessness of all these transitory, temporary and insignificant things. i am wondering (as i have wondered all my life) why we struggle to live to die, to breathe despite all the suffocating forces that exist and evolve around and within us.

i have known how it is to feel genuinely tired of breathing. every intake of breath was painful. i could feel exhaustion creeping up my chest and lungs, my heart, my soul. it was real pain and exhaustion. saturation to the point of no redemption. during those moments, i looked back at my life and i said i was ready to let go. and i would have let go. it seemed so easy then. but i couldnt. breathing was involuntary. even in death, one is never in control of his or her own life. our birth was not within our power. the little power we have we use on doughnut flavors, cologne variants, music artists and printed shirts.

we are powerless. we live to realize and recognize that.

delicious ambiguity.