a eulogy for my grandmother

my grandmother died last tuesday. i was tasked to deliver a speech to remember her life that was and to help everyone else heal. but how does one inspire when one has lost?

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Sometimes it’s not the tears that measure the pain. It’s the smile that we fake to show everyone we’re okay.

But we’re not okay. We’re hurting inside, terribly.

I lost a grandmother who helped me through my ABCs and my exams. I lost a grandmother who made me Sailormoon when I said I wanted to be one. I lost a grandmother who never failed to remember all the significant occasions in my life. I lost my grandmother.

We lost a parent, a sister, a teacher, a friend. We lost a significant part of the family. And it hurt us.

Mamang,

When you stopped talking to us,

When you started to forget,

When your wounds hurt you,

When you left without saying goodbye,

You hurt us.

But we may not have known how much we hurt you.

For all the times you called out to us but we did not respond,

For all the times you needed patience and understanding and all we could give you was silence,

For all the times you fought back the words, the fears and the tears and we never knew,

For all the time we were not by your side and you felt alone,

For all the times we did not get to say how much we love you,

We are sorry.

But know that we are hurting terribly. No pain can ever match that which is felt for a parent lost. Your absence will forever leave a hole in our hearts and we can only do so much as attempt to patch up the hurt with the memories you left us.

Mamang,

Thank you for your guidance, your lessons and your patience.

Thank you for the love, the understanding and the forgiveness.

But most of all, thank you for the family that you put together to forever remind us the essence of family you once taught us.

This is most painful to those who have been left behind.

To Lolo Nitoy and Lola Baby

Lolo Emil and Lola Linda

Lola Dory and Lolo Ben

Lolo Ben and Lola Jean

Lola Nora and Lolo Bob

She was a sister whose love burned bright and strong and she will remain alive through each of you.

To Papa and Mommy

Tito Boyet and Tita Shiela

Tita Baby and Tito Conrad

She was a mother who taught you how to be husband and wife and most of all, parents. Keep the family together and remain strong. That’s what she would have wanted.

To Ate Carol who knew my grandmother best during her last few months. Thank you for tending her wounds, wiping her tears and feeding her strength. You kept her alive.

To everyone who stayed by our side during this time of need, who kept us strong and paid their respects, thank you. My grandmother is happy that you loved her til the very end.

And to those who cannot be here, we can only imagine how painful it is to be mourning alone and away from her. But know that your prayers reached her and that she understands that your love transcends distance.

Smile, even if it hurts. We will heal because we are together.

Smile, because Mamang loved you.

And Mamang, we love you.

~ April 4, 2010 ~

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delicious ambiguity.