it's raining so i take time to ponder

now that i have a lot of time on my hands (more than i can handle, in truth), i wanna go back to a lot of things i used to do and to explore many new things. but there's just so many that i don't know where and how to start.

i wanna go back to art. i wanna draw and paint and create again. i miss peeling dried glue from my fingers, i miss smearing clean sheets of paper with pencil lead, i miss drawing eyes, i miss squeezing tubes of paint. i miss my paintbrushes. these days, the only brushes i get to hold are my make up brushes and my toothbrush. not that i don't like make up, i love make up. but the basic, the most primitive form of art is my one true love.

i wanna write again. i used to write a lot, i used to be socially relevant, politically critical. i used to have big, idealistic ideas. i used to drown in my own idealisms. but now i just.. thrive. i live everyday tolerating corruption, crime and the never-changing system. i do not like the

things that are happening but i am not doing anything about them either, so it's pretty much apathy. i hated apathy then. can't believe i turned into the very person i swore not to become in such little time.

i wanna try sports. as a kid, i was always too thin, too frail for sports. i want formal training on badminton and swimming and i want to learn how to play tennis. i find myself wondering out loud about sports classes but i never get around to actually looking for them and enrolling in them. god, i've turned into such a lazy ass.

i wanna dance. this is one of the earliest impulses i never got around to developing because i was always too shy. i've always been cooped up in the academic honor roll that i never gave myself the chance to let it loose.

i wanna go back to school. i want to finally study something that my heart so desires. i wanna study architecture and interior design. i love color, i love furniture, i love shapes, symmetry and the lack of it, i love parts of math. i think i've finally decided what i want to be in life, though it took me so long. i wanna be an architect. i want to build houses, design houses, color homes. i want to build structures, feel the texture of tiles, walls, carpets, flowers. i wanna be an architect. I WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT.

i'm not saying that i don't love what i do at present. i'm a nurse and i try to save lives everyday to the best of my abilities. but it's just not my calling. to heal, save and cure the human condition can be difficult at times.

i'm only 22 and i have so many things i want to do. i want to travel the whole world, i wanna be a flight attendant, i wanna be a model, i wanna be so many things all at the same time that i frustrate myself sometimes because i know i can't be all of them. but then again, why not?

delicious ambiguity.