a eulogy for my grandmother

my grandmother died last tuesday. i was tasked to deliver a speech to remember her life that was and to help everyone else heal. but how does one inspire when one has lost?

***

Sometimes it’s not the tears that measure the pain. It’s the smile that we fake to show everyone we’re okay.

But we’re not okay. We’re hurting inside, terribly.

I lost a grandmother who helped me through my ABCs and my exams. I lost a grandmother who made me Sailormoon when I said I wanted to be one. I lost a grandmother who never failed to remember all the significant occasions in my life. I lost my grandmother.

We lost a parent, a sister, a teacher, a friend. We lost a significant part of the family. And it hurt us.

Mamang,

When you stopped talking to us,

When you started to forget,

When your wounds hurt you,

When you left without saying goodbye,

You hurt us.

But we may not have known how much we hurt you.

For all the times you called out to us but we did not respond,

For all the times you needed patience and understanding and all we could give you was silence,

For all the times you fought back the words, the fears and the tears and we never knew,

For all the time we were not by your side and you felt alone,

For all the times we did not get to say how much we love you,

We are sorry.

But know that we are hurting terribly. No pain can ever match that which is felt for a parent lost. Your absence will forever leave a hole in our hearts and we can only do so much as attempt to patch up the hurt with the memories you left us.

Mamang,

Thank you for your guidance, your lessons and your patience.

Thank you for the love, the understanding and the forgiveness.

But most of all, thank you for the family that you put together to forever remind us the essence of family you once taught us.

This is most painful to those who have been left behind.

To Lolo Nitoy and Lola Baby

Lolo Emil and Lola Linda

Lola Dory and Lolo Ben

Lolo Ben and Lola Jean

Lola Nora and Lolo Bob

She was a sister whose love burned bright and strong and she will remain alive through each of you.

To Papa and Mommy

Tito Boyet and Tita Shiela

Tita Baby and Tito Conrad

She was a mother who taught you how to be husband and wife and most of all, parents. Keep the family together and remain strong. That’s what she would have wanted.

To Ate Carol who knew my grandmother best during her last few months. Thank you for tending her wounds, wiping her tears and feeding her strength. You kept her alive.

To everyone who stayed by our side during this time of need, who kept us strong and paid their respects, thank you. My grandmother is happy that you loved her til the very end.

And to those who cannot be here, we can only imagine how painful it is to be mourning alone and away from her. But know that your prayers reached her and that she understands that your love transcends distance.

Smile, even if it hurts. We will heal because we are together.

Smile, because Mamang loved you.

And Mamang, we love you.

~ April 4, 2010 ~

***

delicious ambiguity.

dear mr. president.

the 2010 elections are almost here and the politicians are all over the place again. out to prove themselves or prove themselves wrong. out to be with the masses or just widen the gap between them. out to outwit or out-bitch the other candidates. i never liked the election season.

because i can't stand listening to them mumble about things they don't know, here's a short message to our politicians:

i dont know how many of you really sat down and thought to yourself if you could handle the country. you dont just decide to run because people are egging you on, or because you have the money to paste your face all over the metro and on the palms of everyone, or because your parents are great and you sincerely believe you inherited that innate greatness too. you do not run for president on a whim. you sit down and think. you think for days, weeks, months. you think about the country, the people and all of their problems. dissect the philippine condition and develop opinions, plans. youre not supposed to figure out a solution to a problem when you are on the hot seat, being questioned by the whole world. you are supposed to carry the country on your shoulders. and we need someone who is strong enough on his own.

we do not expect you to know everything. neither do we expect you to do everything. we are a nation and we are bound to help each other pick ourselves out of this mess. but what we expect from you is that you be prepared. the people need more than just your pretty face on your pretty posters. we need more than your money. we need more than your promises. we need your strength, your faith, your mind, your hands and your heart.


delicious ambiguity.

Maya

i can feel the sun on my eyes. it's a bright day today. i stretch my wings a little and feel the cool breeze on my feathers. i open my eyes a tiny bit and the glorious sun blinds me for a moment. it's another day.

i look around me. i see trees, clouds, houses and children. i love looking at children. their tiny hands and feet amaze me. and their smiles make you happy inside. i can't smile. god knows how much i wish i can smile. it's an odd thing, the smile. everytime someone smiles, i can see through their soul, i can see faith, i can see hope. it's a wonderful thing, the smile. i wish i can smile.

i stretch out my wings and i take off. i love flying, diving into clouds, weaving in and out of trees, touching the surface of the water with my tiny feet. i can see the way the humans look at me when they see me fly. it's almost as if i can see their pain, their desire to fly, just as strong as my desire to smile. life is fair after all.

i tried to pray for a smile. i go to church everyday just to check up on god. i fly in through the windows of churches, i look at god and i listen to his stories. i do this everyday, but i still am not able to smile. it pains me. this is the only wish i have, i live for the day when i can finally smile. but i guess god has his reasons. i just wish he would overlook those reasons just this one moment for me. just once.

but i keep my faith despite that. despite everything.




delicious ambiguity.

forrest gump's metal braces.

this morning, i prayed for this little girl on the jeep. she reminded me of forrest gump: she had metal bars on her left leg, she was thin and she was brimming with innocence. she seemed to me as if she had a developmental disorder. her mom was hugging her tight the whole time.

i couldn't decide whether she had it better than the rest of us.

she wouldn't have to worry about falling in love and getting hurt.
she wouldn't have to know how painful it is to have friends leave your side.
she wouldn't have to be burdened by the conflicts of adolescence, the problems of everyday life, the inconsistencies of faith and the complexities of the human condition.

but before love hurts, it makes us grow.
before our friends leave, they'd laugh, cry and be stupid with us.
adolescence breaks us but it rebuilds us too.
life is a blind mission but it sharpens our senses.
faith makes us believe and makes us hope.
the human condition was not something we were meant to solve, it was something we should learn to control.

maybe she had it better, but then again that's not for us to decide.

live.

delicious ambiguity.

we don't fight fair.

if i would be reincarnated, i'd like to be a rainbow.

delicious ambiguity.

the echo persists.

do you still remember that time when we were so angry?
if there was an epicenter of hatred, we could have been that.

we used to want to change things.
but i doubt you remember what you felt then.

because all it ever came to be was a fleeting emotion, a fleeting revolution.
it did not live to see 60 signatures. the ink has run, the paper has turned yellow. and justice became a lost cause.

we knocked on your doors, we screamed for your signatures. you told me you reject the injustice, you begged for salvation. but when the wheels started turning, you made us chase you down. in the middle of the road, everything became clear. no one was strong enough to see this through.

and everything just died.

where has everyone gone?
everyone is busy living their own lives now. everyone has their own life to tend to, everyone is in a hurry to live. dreams have deadlines and everyone is chasing their own deadlines, looking for their lost selves, searching for meaning, learning, doing everything but remember what used to be. we are all at fault. what became of Vincent is our fault.

and so i ask, what do YOU want to do now?

and more importantly, what can WE do now?


delicious ambiguity.

working

this is the life.
free internet at work, facebook the whole day, burger shop when the boss is not looking.
now, how to become boss...

delicious ambiguity.