polycystic bubblegum disease

linkin park describes me best right now: "it's like a whirlwind inside of my head."

i'm not sure if things are turning out for the better at present. it looks as if they are, but i don't want to trust that yet. i'm scared. peace of mind is just something that escapes me right now.

i finally went to that art shop i googled a few days ago. i bought a few things. i wanted to raid their racks and check out everything but the racks are situated behind the counter. the two people behind the counter hand you everything you ask for. i didn't want to ask for the whole place, they might kick me out. but i saw a lot of lovely things, the 120 prismacolor set included, with a screaming price tag of 7500 pesos. good grief. those colored pencils are worth more than half my salary. i also asked about pencil pastels and i'm thinking about trying them out after i'm done with my project. i was going to buy a set of pencil pastels but a detour led me to the counter of a shoe store instead. so i'm gonna try to color with my brand new strappy shoes for now.

i've been spending a lot of time on deviantart lately. and everyday, i discover new artists whose talents are so out of this world that i can't help but wonder if they're actually human. i mean, i know people can draw, but to be able to draw THAT good? holy shiznit. my powdered self-esteem has been blown off a cliff. i know i shouldn't feel this way, but i'm sad. i feel like i'm so far away from REAL talent. these people are the REAL talented ones and i'm just bubblegum. -_-

because my self-esteem is flying somewhere over the pacific ring of fire today, i wasn't able to draw. despite the fact that i was so excited to use my brand new chalk pencil and charcoal sticks. bummer. a few days ago, my eighteenth drawing had me on happy toes thinking it was my most realistic drawing yet and then i see the drawings of these people on DA and i am owned. bubblegum mode.

anyway, i've decided to stick with black and white realism longer, even after i'm done with this project. i think i should make sure i have developed my full B&W realism potentials to the max before i move on to color. it's gonna be one long ride but hey, i've always known art is my calling so what the hell. i'll die trying.

delicious ambiguity.