more than words.

recently, i participated in a game where the players had to write their first impression of you on a sheet of paper taped to your back. i was never really good in making "good" impressions. i've always been shy when i'm around strangers. no talking, no eye contact, minimal interaction. i guess that's because deep inside, i'm terrified of people. human nature has always been such a complicated matter and i'd rather not experiment with it on the first day.

i wasn't surprised when i read the paper. "snob" was a recurring theme and there were other hilarious impressions like "you look like a teacher" . i respect the teaching profession a lot but i'm nowhere near that nobility. there were even shocking ones like "lesbian". my jaw dropped to the ground floor when i read that. my jaw dug six feet down under when i found the same word on a different part of the paper. i have nothing against lesbians and gay people. but i know for a fact that i've always been sure of my sexuality and i've never had a doubt about it. just because i don't talk to guys on the first day doesn't mean i'm a lesbian. don't be so judgmental people. i'm just really scared of people (hehe).

the one sentence that stuck to me (and will stick with me for the rest of my life) was this:

"You are smart and you can defend yourself with words."

once upon a time, i believed in my capability as a writer. i love words. they help me express myself in ways that my tear glands and my facial muscles can't. i've always relied upon words. my words have always been more honest than me. they have always been smarter than me. i knew then that i am nothing without words.

i used to write a lot. i've kept several journals despite the difficulty maintaining discipline in writing a new entry everyday. i tried to keep most of my life preserved in my words. but one day, everything just stopped.

no more journals, no more entries, no more words.



and i've felt hollow eversince.

just like the day i stopped drawing or painting or calculating math problems.



i need to write again. and i will. just as i'll draw, paint and do math again. because i realized i do need to defend myself; no one else can speak for me anymore. i am my own being now.

thank you to the teacher who wrote that life changing impression of me on my back. i promise to make your first impression worth it.



delicious ambiguity.

i can't tell you something that isnt real.

you know you've made a mistake when things change and they never go back to the way they used to be. things become distant and there are more words left unsaid, more moments of silence, more unspoken wishes, more opportunities for lies and pretense.

in the hope to undo the mistakes we have committed, we continue to hope and wait for things to turn back around. we try to convince ourselves and the rest of the world that we can be better persons if only we can be given another chance. but maybe that's just something we believe in, something that was brought to life by faith. but is faith enough?


delicious ambiguity.

athenaeum.

quiet, alone time it is then.


"i hope my absence makes you well."

dark blue.

as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down.


delicious ambiguity.

basketball and NBA seasons past.

i liked basketball at one point in ancient history. i used to love michael jordan with all my heart and soul. he was the greatest man alive for all i cared. i watched his every game and i cheered him on. nevermind that he sweats like crazy, nevermind that he chews the same bubble game for one entire game. he's a god.

i stuck to the chicago bulls for the entire duration of my childhood. i have fidelity genes so i kinda stuck to them no matter what. but then michael jordan started acting with bugs bunny and then he stopped playing basketball. i was heartbroken. i didnt understand why he had to stop playing. he was basketball. without him, there's just no point in watching basketball games anymore. it really made me sad when he stopped playing. kinda like when i first heard britney was pregnant or that Nsync was falling apart. as far as i was concerned, everyone that i grew up with shouldnt change. i didnt realize i was the only one being left behind while the rest of the world moved on.

the next team i rooted for was the lakers. kobe wasnt as good as michael jordan but they were a great team. and their uniform was yellow and purple. hahahaha. they looked nice. hahaha. but then kobe turned into a rapist and then shaquille moved out of the lakers. what is it with switching between teams?? am i the only one with fidelity genes?? well anyway, after that, i lost much interest in basketball. i cant bear to sit in front of the tv watching them run all over the court anymore.

i miss michael jordan.

but life goes on.

delicious ambiguity.

newly laundered poker face.

the world was angry at me yesterday. i probably deserved that. i have been unforgivably lazy these past few days.

i was finally working on my overdue paperwork when lo and behold, the computer shut down. and i have not saved a single sentence. there goes my first five pages of misplaced diligence. but i probably deserved that.

the electricity in the house was constantly fluctuating the whole day. i tried to fill my life threatening boredom by plugging in the TV, but all the lights in the house started flickering, switching on and off like those creepy effects in horror movies, so that meant no TV for me. but i probably deserved that.

the power supply of the house eventually gave out. we were in complete blackout while the rest of the neighbors were basking in glorious electricity. we had to call for help. "hello meralco, asan na yung kuryente namin?" i became a feast of enormous bony proportions to the mosquitoes for a few hours. but i probably deserved that.

i was sitting quietly outside the house, looking up at the stars, trying to mind my own space. i didnt ask you to bring down the whole of the heavens upon me. i never asked you to believe in me but i hoped you would. but the again, you never seemed to learn how. i never asked for your opinion on this, i merely shared my plans with you then. i didnt need you to rain on my shiny new parade. ive had enough. ive made too many mistakes for you. i didnt deserve this.

a newly laundered poker face. that's what you'll get from me this new year.

delicious ambiguity.

what it all comes down to.

we are having a hard time too. it's not all rainbows and butterflies out there. excerpts from my community journal, weeks 3 and 4.

************

We are being moderated when we were never made to from the very beginning. we are being reduced to something less than what we really are just to accomodate less of everybody else. if this doesn't work in opinion, what more in real life? now we are being let loose in an environment, a structure we do not fully accept and they expect us to survive and make a difference?

***

Community organizing is not inspired overnight. i dont know if setting a 5-year deadline works any better than hoping for it to occur. the pressure is on us and not on the people. we will be led towards desperation if not given the right direction. how are we supposed to move when we constantly have to remind ourselves not to move too much just so we can accomodate 5 years worth of progress towards community development? they dont approve of our competencies and we dont approve of their delimitations. the goal is noble, but the process is defective, the roles are clashing, the structure smothering.

***

We spent the whole morning trying to figure our lives out in the week. planning to make plans. trying to fill the gaps with tons of paperwork. filling duties and obligations with even more paperwork. i never thought helping other people ever needed documentation. but then again, maybe helping other people isnt the important competency.

***

We spent the afternoon trying to catch up with our missing data and deficient paperwork. not to mention our lacking motivation and growing exhaustion, that are very much out of place.

***

there is only so much we can do to help these people. there are problems that are beyond our capacity to solve, solutions that are beyond our abilities to provide.

delicious ambiguity.