sick cycle carousel.

"if shame had a face, i think it would kinda look like mine.."

he said i should grow up.
all this time i thought i have grown more than anybody else.

he said i should stop crying.
but what else would i be without tears?

he said i am weak.
i already know that. what i do not know is how to be strong.

he asked what i have done with my life.
i ask myself the same question every single day.

maybe i have not lived as much as any normal 20 year old should have. maybe i have not lived at all. the truth is, i am afraid. i live and die every so often that resurrection has become exhausting. maybe i have not grown at all. i was probably just living under the delusion that after all the coelho books i have read, all the personality quizzes i have taken, all the life movies i have seen and all the stories i have heard and provided resolution to, i am a grown woman, knowledgeable of the ways of the world, able to protect herself and survive til the end. but thats not true is it? im still just the little girl in the school corner seeking refuge in her journal.

maybe i do cry too much. but they said crying was good for you. they said you shouldnt keep your emotions in. but then again, nobody said every little thing should hurt you, affect you unnecessarily. if tears do run out, why cant i seem to stop?

maybe i am weak. and i do admit that i am. sometimes i think this self awareness is my strength. but then again, i can only be as strong as i believe myself to be. and i dont believe i am.

i have not done much with my life. i have only lived it as far as the norms of society say i live it. very unlike the life i have always wanted. so what do i do now?

"a list of things i should do before i turn a year older again."
(coming soon)

delicious ambiguity.