what it all comes down to.

we are having a hard time too. it's not all rainbows and butterflies out there. excerpts from my community journal, weeks 3 and 4.

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We are being moderated when we were never made to from the very beginning. we are being reduced to something less than what we really are just to accomodate less of everybody else. if this doesn't work in opinion, what more in real life? now we are being let loose in an environment, a structure we do not fully accept and they expect us to survive and make a difference?

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Community organizing is not inspired overnight. i dont know if setting a 5-year deadline works any better than hoping for it to occur. the pressure is on us and not on the people. we will be led towards desperation if not given the right direction. how are we supposed to move when we constantly have to remind ourselves not to move too much just so we can accomodate 5 years worth of progress towards community development? they dont approve of our competencies and we dont approve of their delimitations. the goal is noble, but the process is defective, the roles are clashing, the structure smothering.

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We spent the whole morning trying to figure our lives out in the week. planning to make plans. trying to fill the gaps with tons of paperwork. filling duties and obligations with even more paperwork. i never thought helping other people ever needed documentation. but then again, maybe helping other people isnt the important competency.

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We spent the afternoon trying to catch up with our missing data and deficient paperwork. not to mention our lacking motivation and growing exhaustion, that are very much out of place.

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there is only so much we can do to help these people. there are problems that are beyond our capacity to solve, solutions that are beyond our abilities to provide.

delicious ambiguity.