we go through life never knowing why we deserve and dont deserve all of the things that happen in our lives. we go about it blindly. no matter how many inspirational or lessons-learned-in-life books one reads, one can never be fully prepared, fully ready, fully appreciative, fully understanding and fully patient on the events that conspire in each of our lives. things happen that exceed our threshold of tolerance, our emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological limitations. and more often than not, these excesses break us.
recently, i have been told that i have to face one of my greatest fears, my greatest weaknesses. i am hollow, i do not know where i would derive enough strength to make this work. i never thought i would have to experience this. i had so much faith in the little of what is left in the justice of this world and even in this small amount of misplaced faith, i was failed. i do not know what i did to deserve this and i do not hope to know in the future. at present, i am already involved in something i fought so hard against my whole life. in these moments of resignation and helplessness, where is one supposed to derive the so-called will to live? faith is the life blood of life itself, and when this has disappeared, where are you supposed to turn to?
everything is transitory, temporary, fleeting, changing. in all my years of existence, i still havent gotten used to this truth. it is a painful kind of truth, one that stabs you and strangles you at the same time. and it isnt fair. they say everyone and everything changes, that change is the only permanent and sure thing in this world. but why does it feel as if i am unchanged while everyone else changes? why do i get hurt and they dont? why do i have to be the one always left behind? if everything is transitory, temporary and fleeting, why havent i deserved my turn yet?
delicious ambiguity.
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