dark blue.

as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down.


delicious ambiguity.

basketball and NBA seasons past.

i liked basketball at one point in ancient history. i used to love michael jordan with all my heart and soul. he was the greatest man alive for all i cared. i watched his every game and i cheered him on. nevermind that he sweats like crazy, nevermind that he chews the same bubble game for one entire game. he's a god.

i stuck to the chicago bulls for the entire duration of my childhood. i have fidelity genes so i kinda stuck to them no matter what. but then michael jordan started acting with bugs bunny and then he stopped playing basketball. i was heartbroken. i didnt understand why he had to stop playing. he was basketball. without him, there's just no point in watching basketball games anymore. it really made me sad when he stopped playing. kinda like when i first heard britney was pregnant or that Nsync was falling apart. as far as i was concerned, everyone that i grew up with shouldnt change. i didnt realize i was the only one being left behind while the rest of the world moved on.

the next team i rooted for was the lakers. kobe wasnt as good as michael jordan but they were a great team. and their uniform was yellow and purple. hahahaha. they looked nice. hahaha. but then kobe turned into a rapist and then shaquille moved out of the lakers. what is it with switching between teams?? am i the only one with fidelity genes?? well anyway, after that, i lost much interest in basketball. i cant bear to sit in front of the tv watching them run all over the court anymore.

i miss michael jordan.

but life goes on.

delicious ambiguity.

newly laundered poker face.

the world was angry at me yesterday. i probably deserved that. i have been unforgivably lazy these past few days.

i was finally working on my overdue paperwork when lo and behold, the computer shut down. and i have not saved a single sentence. there goes my first five pages of misplaced diligence. but i probably deserved that.

the electricity in the house was constantly fluctuating the whole day. i tried to fill my life threatening boredom by plugging in the TV, but all the lights in the house started flickering, switching on and off like those creepy effects in horror movies, so that meant no TV for me. but i probably deserved that.

the power supply of the house eventually gave out. we were in complete blackout while the rest of the neighbors were basking in glorious electricity. we had to call for help. "hello meralco, asan na yung kuryente namin?" i became a feast of enormous bony proportions to the mosquitoes for a few hours. but i probably deserved that.

i was sitting quietly outside the house, looking up at the stars, trying to mind my own space. i didnt ask you to bring down the whole of the heavens upon me. i never asked you to believe in me but i hoped you would. but the again, you never seemed to learn how. i never asked for your opinion on this, i merely shared my plans with you then. i didnt need you to rain on my shiny new parade. ive had enough. ive made too many mistakes for you. i didnt deserve this.

a newly laundered poker face. that's what you'll get from me this new year.

delicious ambiguity.

what it all comes down to.

we are having a hard time too. it's not all rainbows and butterflies out there. excerpts from my community journal, weeks 3 and 4.

************

We are being moderated when we were never made to from the very beginning. we are being reduced to something less than what we really are just to accomodate less of everybody else. if this doesn't work in opinion, what more in real life? now we are being let loose in an environment, a structure we do not fully accept and they expect us to survive and make a difference?

***

Community organizing is not inspired overnight. i dont know if setting a 5-year deadline works any better than hoping for it to occur. the pressure is on us and not on the people. we will be led towards desperation if not given the right direction. how are we supposed to move when we constantly have to remind ourselves not to move too much just so we can accomodate 5 years worth of progress towards community development? they dont approve of our competencies and we dont approve of their delimitations. the goal is noble, but the process is defective, the roles are clashing, the structure smothering.

***

We spent the whole morning trying to figure our lives out in the week. planning to make plans. trying to fill the gaps with tons of paperwork. filling duties and obligations with even more paperwork. i never thought helping other people ever needed documentation. but then again, maybe helping other people isnt the important competency.

***

We spent the afternoon trying to catch up with our missing data and deficient paperwork. not to mention our lacking motivation and growing exhaustion, that are very much out of place.

***

there is only so much we can do to help these people. there are problems that are beyond our capacity to solve, solutions that are beyond our abilities to provide.

delicious ambiguity.

sick cycle carousel.

"if shame had a face, i think it would kinda look like mine.."

he said i should grow up.
all this time i thought i have grown more than anybody else.

he said i should stop crying.
but what else would i be without tears?

he said i am weak.
i already know that. what i do not know is how to be strong.

he asked what i have done with my life.
i ask myself the same question every single day.

maybe i have not lived as much as any normal 20 year old should have. maybe i have not lived at all. the truth is, i am afraid. i live and die every so often that resurrection has become exhausting. maybe i have not grown at all. i was probably just living under the delusion that after all the coelho books i have read, all the personality quizzes i have taken, all the life movies i have seen and all the stories i have heard and provided resolution to, i am a grown woman, knowledgeable of the ways of the world, able to protect herself and survive til the end. but thats not true is it? im still just the little girl in the school corner seeking refuge in her journal.

maybe i do cry too much. but they said crying was good for you. they said you shouldnt keep your emotions in. but then again, nobody said every little thing should hurt you, affect you unnecessarily. if tears do run out, why cant i seem to stop?

maybe i am weak. and i do admit that i am. sometimes i think this self awareness is my strength. but then again, i can only be as strong as i believe myself to be. and i dont believe i am.

i have not done much with my life. i have only lived it as far as the norms of society say i live it. very unlike the life i have always wanted. so what do i do now?

"a list of things i should do before i turn a year older again."
(coming soon)

delicious ambiguity.

sailed on.

"..you'll only go away in the end.."

i turned 20 today. nothing really significant about it, it was just another day, another year. nothing i ever hoped for in a birthday but im used to it. when you have lived all your life wallowing in disappointment and misery, everything becomes .. the same.

i sang myself a happy birthday while i was in the shower. i couldnt get past the third happy birthday line. i was incredibly disgusted at how pathetic i have become, mourning over an insignificant birthday. it didnt matter really, whether or not i celebrate my birthday. people around me have always shown that they love me and that is more than enough. i remember that one time, when my groupmates sang me a public happy birthday in the train station. nevermind that everyone was looking our way and that my jaw dropped in shock. they sang the song anyway and hugged me like they wouldnt let go. this morning, i got an adrenaline rush from all the messages and greetings people sent at the strike of 12. my bestfriend wrote me a birthday blog which sent me bawling in tears. and a long lost friend called from far away and sang me a happy birthday.

i dont need huge parties or big gifts. it is more than enough to know that i have these people around me. i may be getting older, but i also know that i am blessed more and more each year to have them by my side through all this time.

i love you guys. thank you so much.

delicious ambiguity.

i bit the apple.

i dont really need a reaffirmation of how generic each of our lives can be. but this hit home so bad i just had to share.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

taken from: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

oh yes, this is oh-so-true.

delicious ambiguity.