remembering what used to be.

i have forgotten what she looked like. i have forgotten why i cried over her, when we lost. i have forgotten what she stood for, what we gave up and poured into her. i have forgotten. it hurt me to realize that i have.

i wanted to remember. so i looked up my past blogs and albums about the 2007 lantern parade. i realized i still could not get over the defeat. we deserved to win. they knew that. we knew that.

i remember how the batch united to make her possible. we spent days, weeks, tired and sleepless. but we were happy. the bonds grew, the relationships were strengthened. she was our unifying factor. that is why she meant so much, and for her to be misunderstood, overlooked, hurt me a lot. i have always wanted the batch to grow, to come in unity. from the very beginning we already were apart: clustered in our own separate groups, it was always hard to sustain a collective effort. and when we were finally as one, it seemed as if the world conspired, cheated against us.

i believed that despite the loss, our unity would be sustained, that we would transcend hurdles as a batch, and that we would not break apart. i hoped, i wished, i trusted. but things are not the same anymore. so many things have happened, so many changes have taken place. we have drifted even farther apart.



i miss her.



i miss the batch.


delicious ambiguity.