epiphany

i was taught the value of never giving up, never quitting and thriving til the end. i learned that enduring the things that hurt you will make you a stronger person. for a long time i convinced myself that i can endure and tolerate most things. heck, i survived four years of a college degree i was consciously rejecting. but recently i found out that there are some things that shouldn't be pushed to the limit, some situations that don't have to be endured for so long because i have a choice; because i choose to have options and i should not refuse to walk down another path.

everyone from work kept asking me why i'm leaving. i wanted to explain but i didn't think they'd understand. they wouldn't let me explain anyway. i wanted to tell them that i dont just want to leave, i NEED to leave. i don't want to get comfortable just because i earn a lot. i can't even see the big pay as a consolation for the job i am doing. i have a lot of dreams and i'd rather chase them right now than sit back and wonder about the things that could have been. perhaps i'm looking for adventure, perhaps i'm looking for something more purposeful. at this point, i am at that phase where my ideals and values are more important than everything else. for a few months i had to give them up because the job required me to do so. and that was most painful to me than anything else. it was not the stress or the 11-hour shift, it's the thought that i had to give up these things in exchange for a big fat paycheck. i refuse to believe that everything has monetarial value these days. and i refuse to be bought.

so, i'm leaving. i am aware of the numerous consequences this decision could bring and i am also aware that a lot of people will be affected by this decision. but for once, i just want to stop thinking about everyone else, about what they would think and say. i want to be able to decide for myself because of the consequences it will have on me, above anything else.


delicious ambiguity.