more than words.

recently, i participated in a game where the players had to write their first impression of you on a sheet of paper taped to your back. i was never really good in making "good" impressions. i've always been shy when i'm around strangers. no talking, no eye contact, minimal interaction. i guess that's because deep inside, i'm terrified of people. human nature has always been such a complicated matter and i'd rather not experiment with it on the first day.

i wasn't surprised when i read the paper. "snob" was a recurring theme and there were other hilarious impressions like "you look like a teacher" . i respect the teaching profession a lot but i'm nowhere near that nobility. there were even shocking ones like "lesbian". my jaw dropped to the ground floor when i read that. my jaw dug six feet down under when i found the same word on a different part of the paper. i have nothing against lesbians and gay people. but i know for a fact that i've always been sure of my sexuality and i've never had a doubt about it. just because i don't talk to guys on the first day doesn't mean i'm a lesbian. don't be so judgmental people. i'm just really scared of people (hehe).

the one sentence that stuck to me (and will stick with me for the rest of my life) was this:

"You are smart and you can defend yourself with words."

once upon a time, i believed in my capability as a writer. i love words. they help me express myself in ways that my tear glands and my facial muscles can't. i've always relied upon words. my words have always been more honest than me. they have always been smarter than me. i knew then that i am nothing without words.

i used to write a lot. i've kept several journals despite the difficulty maintaining discipline in writing a new entry everyday. i tried to keep most of my life preserved in my words. but one day, everything just stopped.

no more journals, no more entries, no more words.



and i've felt hollow eversince.

just like the day i stopped drawing or painting or calculating math problems.



i need to write again. and i will. just as i'll draw, paint and do math again. because i realized i do need to defend myself; no one else can speak for me anymore. i am my own being now.

thank you to the teacher who wrote that life changing impression of me on my back. i promise to make your first impression worth it.



delicious ambiguity.