school is (still) cool

One of the best things about being back in school is being given all those good stuff to read; readings you normally wouldn't google online or find on Facebook. I like learning new things and although I miss the classroom setting a lot, I don't regret getting into this online program of the University.

A lot of people have asked why I took up this program and why didn't I take up a masteral related to my original degree. I didn't bother explaining; people hear what they want to hear and I don't think they'd understand anyway. Art has always been my first love, my greatest passion, my constant source of inspiration. It took me a long time to give it the attention it truly deserved and I hate myself for that. I shouldn't have doubted my abilities, I should have listened to me.

But life is forgiving. We are given second chances and the challenge is for us to realize that and to take it. This degree is my second chance. It is my chance to redeem what I have lost, to apply what I have learned. And I am grateful. I am discovering more and more each day: both about myself and the world. For example, I learned that I can't make myself bleed creative juice even if my life depended on it. Creativity comes to me, it is not something I consciously invoke. Thankfully, creativity always comes in the nick of time. I've also learned that there is dignity in privacy, that the Internet cannot and should not be regulated and that I have probably infringed 7047 copyrights in my 24 years of existence. School is cool.

This degree would take too long but that's okay. I've come to understand the importance of accepting things (some things at least) as they should be and patience most of all. I actually think I've become a very patient person after all the grueling hours I've spent in the hospital. I'm trying my best and I'm enjoying the ride and that's good enough for me.

delicious ambiguity.

Always For The First Time

"Always for the First Time"

by Andre Breton

Always for the first time

Hardly do I know you by sight

You return at some hour of the night to a house at an angle to my window

A wholly imaginary house

It is there that from one second to the next

In the inviolate darkness

I anticipate once more the fascinating rift occuring

The one and only rift

In the facade and in my heart

The closer I come to you

In reality

The more the key sings at the door of the unknown room

Where you appear alone before me

At first you coalesce entierly with the brightness

The elusive angle of a curtain

It's a field of jasmine I gazed upon at dawn on a road in the vicinity of Grasse

With the diagonal slant of its girls picking

Behind them the dark falling wing of the plants stripped bare

Before them a T-square of dazzling light

The curtain invisibly raised

In a frenzy all the flowers swarm back in

It is you at grips with that too long hour never dim enough until sleep

You as though you could be

The same except that I shall perhaps never meet you

You pretend not to know I am watching you

Marvelously I am no longer sure you know

You idleness brings tears to my eyes

A swarm of interpretations surrounds each of your gestures

It's a honeydew hunt

There are rocking chairs on a deck there are branches that may well scratch you in the forest

There are in a shop window in the rue Notre-Dame-de-Lorette

Two lovely crossed legs caught in long stockings

Flaring out in the center of a great white clover

There is a silken ladder rolled out over the ivy

There is

By my leaning over the precipice

Of your presence and your absense in hopeless fusion

My finding the secret

Of loving you

Always for the first time.

Since it's the month of love (although I believe that the celebration of love should happen every month, every week, every day), I decided to do a Valentine's related post. I wanted to depict love: to show the sense of security it gives, the companionship it provides. This is my first time to EVER draw AND paint a guy and I'm pretty proud of myself for having survived this. HAHAHA. I know I still have a long way to go where the human anatomy is concerned but I think this is a good start. *pats self*

Funny how last week I was actually very angry about love. All around me, love wasn't working. People were fighting, everyone was getting hurt, everyday someone was crying. I thought to myself that this isn't how love is supposed to be. But thinking back, it worked just the way it was supposed to. Love isn't just about all the happy times people share together, it is also about the hurdles they conquer together. Sometimes, two people may be angry at each other and they may say hurtful things but at the end of the day, they're still there for each other and they will stay until the hurt is over and forgiveness has been granted.

(watercolor on 300gsm watercolor paper)

P.S. Speaking of watercolor paper, *GASP* I am running out of paper! why do these things cost too much? T_T

delicious ambiguity.

I Am Not Yours

"I Am Not Yours"

by Sara Teasdale

I am not yours, not lost in you,

Not lost, although I long to be

Lost as a candle lit at noon,

Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still

A spirit beautiful and bright,

Yet I am I, who long to be

Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out

My senses, leave me deaf and blind,

Swept by the tempest of your love,

A taper in a rushing wind.

I feel strongly for this particular piece. I like that it turned out to be very dreamy. I didn't rely on borders this time, i let the paint go where it wanted to and it turned out really well.

(watercolor on 300gsm watercolor paper)

delicious ambiguity.

Helen

I know it's been ages since my last artwork post, but I swear I've been working on art even if I have not been blogging about it.

So I finally started working with watercolor and I'm loving it! It's a very interesting shift from graphite pencils and colored pencils. I like the challenge that the fluidity of water brings to the artwork and I also like that I can finally work with more colors this time. I've also tried to explore the human figure (slowly) and I am planning to finally deviate from just drawing faces.

My inspiration for this artwork is Christopher Marlowe's poem entitled "The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships."

Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships,

And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?

Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.

Her lips suck forth my soul: see where it flies!

Come, Helen, come, give me my soul again.

Here will I dwell, for heaven is in these lips,

And all is dross that is not Helena.

I will be Paris, and for love of thee,

Instead of Troy, shall Wittenberg be sack'd;

And I will combat with weak Menelaus,

And wear thy colours on my plumed crest;

Yea, I will wound Achilles in the heel,

And then return to Helen for a kiss.

O, thou art fairer than the evening air

Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars;

Brighter art thou than flaming Jupiter

When he appear'd to hapless Semele;

More lovely than the monarch of the sky

In wanton Arethusa's azur'd arms;

And none but thou shalt be my paramour!

Out of all my watercolor works, this has got to be the best one yet. It is my favorite as of the moment. I was not able to take WIPs, it is just too darn stressing to be taking photos while trying to control watercolor.

Hopefully I'd be able to make more of these soon.

delicious ambiguity.

invincible

in high school, we used to write weekly journals about anything in the world. our teacher would read through them diligently and painstakingly respond to the pathetic woes of teenagers caught in identity crises, romantic mishaps, personal demon battles. i always looked forward to his replies because no matter how ridiculous or pathetic my situation in life is, he never once made me feel like it was insignificant or that i was being petty. he would always find a way to make you see the bad situation in a good light, to make you believe in yourself no matter what. teenagers needed a lot of that, the faith in oneself. he was always so generous with it. it was not hard to be honest about most of the things i was going through then.

eventually, i graduated from high school and i had to part from my journal notebook and say goodbye to my teacher. i don't think i ever got around to tell him how much it meant to me that he was there, all the way, guiding me and letting me know that everything's alright and that it's normal to be hurt and unsure sometimes. i believe he contributed significantly to the person i am right now but i never got to tell him that. now all that remains is this journal notebook which i still read every now and then because the lessons never fade and they remain relevant no matter how much time has passed.

last night, i was talking to a few friends on skype and it was then that i realized how incredibly unhappy i still am despite getting this far. i realized that one does not become happy just by overcoming one unhappy obstacle. or by overcoming two, three, four unhappy obstacles. happiness is a continuous struggle, a neverending quest. and i pity myself because i have not found it, i have not found that one obstacle which would make me happy. i shut my eyes tight and bite back the tears.

but today i found this journal notebook again. and i read my teacher's final message to me. 

and everything's okay again.

someday, i hope you get to read this and know how much your guidance meant to me all these years. i would have loved to write to you again and i would still be as excited to wait for your replies as i was back then in high school. but you're in a new place now and you're teaching new kids. i believe they deserve the chance to be guided by you more than i do now. 

there comes a point when we need to realize that we need to start depending on ourselves, and stop depending on others. i can keep writing journal entries but there won't be anyone to react to them anymore, but that's okay. growing up means you need to learn to look out for yourself. you taught me well.

one day i hope i can share stories with you again and i hope you can share yours too.

delicious ambiguity.

hamartia

wow. can't believe i neglected this blog again for so long. i don't think it's necessary to state the obvious but i'm saying it anyway: a LOT has happened since my last artwork, and no, i am not referring to art.

***

for a long time, i believed that i was stronger than most. but recent events have led me to test my own strength, to recalibrate my own emotions and to evaluate the things (and people) i hold dear. no, i was not stronger than most. i was among the weak and i blinded myself into thinking that i was strong, not realizing that it was an illusion. for so long i had to endure, thinking it was a sign of strength when it fact it wasn't. i thought i was helping by mindlessly accepting but in reality i was causing more damage. i didn't realize the damage i was causing myself until it got to the point where i shattered into a thousand pieces. and only then, did i realize that i had to let go. for the first time in my life, i was strong. i let go.

***

there are some chapters in our lives that need not be opened again. not because old wounds would resurface and bleed again, but because there is just no point to it anymore. we get over some people because we have realized that life is better off without them in the long run. sometimes we learn more about someone when we spend less time together and a longer distance apart. and finally i can say that i'd rather not take another chance with you.

***

we say our own goodbyes, we get left with some. it still doesn't change the fact that it is always, always painful to be the one left behind. but there is beauty in goodbyes. 

delicious ambiguity.

summer art

this year's been pretty crazy. i know it's only the third month of the new year but you wouldn't believe all the CRAZY that has happened since the year started. a lot of things have changed and i'm not sure how i feel about most of them yet, but i'm still hopeful for the rest of the year.

well anyway, i got three off days from work because i was supposed to go on a trip to thailand for three days with my mom but it got cancelled so i got stuck at home. i wanted to make sure each day was spent wisely, so on the first day, i slept my ass off. and today, i drew.

i've been wanting to draw this for several days but i couldn't muster enough wakefulness to get me started so i did it today. i chose this because the picture had red and blue in it, and i wanted to try two colored pencils this time. mixed media (well at least i try to make it look like mixed media. hahaha) as i call it. plus the girl had an adorable sailor's cap! this picture spelled LOVE.

first time to not draw eyes! ohmygod. i didn't know where to start! eventually i gave up and i did the sunglasses first. i like the fact that the glasses had a gradient effect to them, just wasn't sure i could give justice to them. 

i really wanted to start coloring so i did. tada. hahaha. the sunglasses almost look like the imitation ray bans i find along the pedro gil sidewalk. 

red lips! 

the blue dress! it had such a difficult pattern, i almost gave up on it. hahaha. good thing i only had to draw/color one shoulder.

ah, the hair. i've always had difficulty with blonde hair and this is me struggling yet again.

done!

yellowish tinge c/o photoshop. i wanted to imitate the golden glow of the original picture and also highlight the summer-y feel of the drawing.

all in all, i think i love it.

delicious ambiguity.